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Posted 2011-02-24T18:01:47-07:00
When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

Epic(22)
Comment by Anonymous

Ok Mr Martin ;)

Comment by Anonymous

hahahaha I used it (:

Posted 2010-11-18T10:29:04-07:00
Auto correct can go straight to He'll

Funny(12)
Posted 2013-02-06T14:15:07-07:00
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

Epic(21)
Comment by Anonymous

If people only posted their own jokes on here, there would only be two things a day. Keep 'em coming, I don't care who wrote them! To that guy that can't spell down there, pull up your damn pants!

Comment by Anonymous

Actually....Woody Allen

Comment by Anonymous

George Carlin and I've seen it all over the internet for years...nice try homo

Comment by Anonymous

--George Carlin

Comment by Anonymous

old like ur mom and before you say I can't spell please ask if anyone gives a fuck

Comment by Anonymous

Hahaha, love it!!! What a wonderful life!

Posted 2011-04-10T18:51:49-06:00
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

Epic(12)
Comment by Anonymous

It's so stupid that is has 82 likes and only 8 dislikes...soon to be 83 like because I didn't yet click it! I think it's great and could care less if people repeat something on here....it's less pages of funny I have to go through!

Comment by Anonymous

this is so stupid.

Comment by Anonymous

I care...thanks for letting me know.

Comment by Anonymous

Who gives a s**t?

Comment by Anonymous

This was posted before.

Posted 2010-10-28T21:16:39-06:00
thinks that wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

Epic(10)
Comment by Anonymous

good one :) I won't tell it to my dog

Comment by Anonymous

lMAO THEYLL BE SCARRED 4 LIFE

Comment by Anonymous

What if we don't have pets? X( I want a Rainbow pony with a green and purple saddle and i will name it Fred!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Haha xP Classic

Comment by Anonymous

My dog would have some awkward stories to tell! Haha

Comment by Anonymous

OH My, so True!

Posted by Official2faces 2012-06-28T14:12:00-06:00
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little bastard.

Funny(19)
Comment by Anonymous

V below me....really?

Comment by Anonymous

I don't get it

Comment by Anonymous

No. Noooo. Wrong! Fast food does in fact make you fat. People who exercise don't generally eat fast food often. Soooo...no.

Comment by Anonymous

Fast food doesn't make you fat. Being lazy and not exercising does.

Posted 2011-09-19T03:39:05-06:00
I bought condoms & the cashier said do you need a bag? I replied "No she isn't that ugly".

Epic(12)
Comment by Anonymous

Ummm... I think we ALL steal theses statuses.... Duhhhhh!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Hey um thanks for whining like a little Bitch! No one gives a f**k if its your status! Foolish mortal

Comment by Anonymous

vvv he got you there buddy

Comment by Anonymous

It is called status stalker....looks like you were stalked dude!

Comment by Anonymous

Thanks for stealing my status - ImThatFunnyGuy.

Posted 2011-10-09T08:12:57-06:00
This is not Facebook, what book? Slutbook? They need to call this F*ckbook. Picture lookin good, but in person. . . . Yuckbook. Hellbook, Tellbook, bitches can't Spellbook. Hate behind your back, but in person wish you Wellbook. Glitchbook, Snitchbook, fake family Listbook. Posting on her page, this is trying to steal your Bitchbook. Rudebook, Feudbook, tell your every Movebook. Don't even need a t.v. this shit is Newsbook.

Epic(14)
Comment by Anonymous

Stole this from me... I did this rap..THIEF!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Kickin it gbook style

Comment by Anonymous

CHEA!!! best rap about facebook

Posted by Alaska 2012-05-12T20:58:35-06:00
Cheating is not an accident. Falling off a bike is an accident. You don't just trip and fall into someone's vagina.

Funny(21)
Comment by Anonymous

apparently you've never met my ex

Comment by Anonymous

What if there's an explanation for this shit...What? She tripped, fell, landed on his dick7?

Comment by Anonymous

why is it always the guy...like some cheating bitch can't accidently trip and fall on a dick!!!

Comment by Anonymous

HAHAHA...AT THE FIRST COMMENT

Comment by Anonymous

That's not true it is completely possible, the girl needs her legs spread and her hips at a 50-60 degree angle, and the guy needs to plant his knees first so the penis doesn't impact with all of the force from the fall

Posted 2011-04-05T21:58:22-06:00
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

Epic(16)
Comment by Anonymous

Hells yea man!!!! Where I live those things are evil for sure!!!!

Comment by Jerseygirl

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Posted 2012-01-13T20:13:11-07:00
"Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

Epic(13)
Posted 2012-12-27T21:54:45-07:00
I post funny shit on status stalker just to see how long it takes for a fellow Facebook friend of mine to post it on his wall as his own. I suspect he will skip this one. Hi Steven!

Epic(13)
Comment by Anonymous

Holy f**king paranoia batman

Comment by Anonymous

And now I know who you are comic book store owner. All I had to do was ask myself who is on the same level of weirdness as me but has a reason to put me out like this. I gave you a lot of business, didn't I? Now I'm going to show you what happens when you push. Your Welcome Chris.

Comment by Anonymous

I like this and I just lifted it, now come see if I'm your "Steven". Leave your name while your there?

Comment by Anonymous

Like this guy has never lifted a status. I'm sure yours are just pure genius and you should be so proud of all you've amounted to in life.

Comment by Anonymous

Wtf man who is this

Comment by Anonymous

HA ~ This was posted six months ago ... old as hell!

Comment by Anonymous

BAHAHAHAH!!! Thats funny as hell!

Comment by Anonymous

Hi Rick ... ok, you got me.

Posted 2011-04-20T19:39:08-06:00
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I want to yell "HEY IS THAT CANDY CAN I HAVE SOME?"

Funny(15)
Comment by Anonymous

bathroom whores

Comment by Caroline666

THIS IS WHAT I WOULD DO!

Comment by Anonymous

Two people have never tried to quietly unwrap a tampon.

Posted 2009-12-09T17:54:50-07:00
I'm pretty sure I love my drug dealer more than my parents..

Get a Life(50)
Comment by Anonymous

wow X_X f**ktard galore

Comment by Anonymous

thats horrible!

Comment by Anonymous

WHO CARES!!! NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS! IF YOU DISAGREE, MOVE PAST THE DAMN POST. GROW UP FUCKERS!

Comment by Anonymous

said the guy who misspelled because???

Comment by Anonymous

To the Anon who said "your all dumb asses" I think YOU are the dumbass becaue it's YOU'RE not YOUR. Why are people so stupid?

Comment by Anonymous

your all dumb asses.

Comment by Anonymous

Crack is whack!!!

Comment by Anonymous

eat a dick and die f**ker!

Comment by Anonymous

i don't know why im angury but fuck yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Comment by Anonymous

I know I call my dealer more than my parents

Comment by Anonymous

can i have his number??

Comment by Anonymous

that sucks!!!!!!!

Comment by Anonymous

I dont kno about all that. dealers piss me off lol

Posted 2010-10-28T21:19:41-06:00
just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren't home. So from now on, I'm at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile

Funny(17)
Comment by Anonymous

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA :) I see you b***h

Comment by Anonymous

So your status message should read: Come by for a window game of peek-ah-POW!

Posted 2012-07-13T12:59:27-06:00
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the asshole for tripping him??

Win(11)
Posted 2012-06-24T18:17:32-06:00
I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

Epic(25)
Posted 2011-10-26T17:19:01-06:00
For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

Epic(11)
Comment by Anonymous

Love this <3 haha nice

Comment by Anonymous

f**k me in the pussy

Comment by Anonymous

or squeeze the juice in their eyes

Comment by Anonymous

Ha ha do u know how much 1 lemon costs!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Damn the guy below is right

Comment by Anonymous

in this economy lemons cost too much to hand out!

Posted 2010-11-17T13:17:16-07:00
I renamed all my files "the world," so everyday when I "save" the world I feel important.

Funny(15)
Comment by Anonymous

haha for the comment above!

Comment by Anonymous

What if you lost "the world"? :o

Posted 2012-08-14T19:54:22-06:00
Every few years I come to the realization that I was such an idiot just a few years ago.

Funny(34)

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