Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
If I'm ever on life support unplug me and then plug me back in again and see if that works.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom.
I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd.
Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.
Too few people spontaneously combust.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Live today like it's your last. But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of shit some people are.
Some girls need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.
If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?
Sometimes you have to forgive and forget. Forgive them for hurting you and forget that they exist. Move on!
Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even
I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.
If you're one of those people who think the world is going to end in 2012, please send me all your stuff
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession
I want kids. I have chores to assign.
You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.
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