Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same
It's 24 degrees here today. I just keyed someone's car with my nipples.
Another Twilight movie? I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd.
Have you ever been constipated and sittin on the toilet and think to yourself...I don't have time for this shit.
Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.
I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply.
Sometimes you have to forgive and forget. Forgive them for hurting you and forget that they exist. Move on!
Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even
Love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.
I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.
If you're one of those people who think the world is going to end in 2012, please send me all your stuff
I want kids. I have chores to assign.
You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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