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Stalked on 07/14/2010 @ 5:59pm
Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

Epic(3)
2840
Stalked on 07/10/2010 @ 5:03pm
Life does not give you extra points for paying for things with exact change.

Epic(5)
1090
Stalked on 07/08/2010 @ 5:52pm
You haven't really lived until you win a bottle of tequila in a homeless shopping cart race.

Epic(2)
11150
Stalked on 07/08/2010 @ 2:17am
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who can count.

Funny(4)
13100
Stalked on 07/04/2010 @ 9:38pm
"Puff, Puff, Pass" - Thomas Jefferson. July 4, 1776

Epic(3)
1340
Stalked on 07/01/2010 @ 2:52pm
If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

Funny(4)
2280
Stalked on 06/24/2010 @ 11:09pm
Do I consider the cup half empty or half full? Depends on whether I'm emptying it or filling it.

Funny(1)
8190
Stalked on 06/23/2010 @ 8:50pm
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

Funny(4)
21110
Stalked on 06/20/2010 @ 10:39pm
Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home.

Funny(4)
22110
Stalked on 06/16/2010 @ 7:25pm
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

Funny(3)
1080
Stalked on 06/12/2010 @ 6:25pm
When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

Funny(2)
2040
Stalked on 06/09/2010 @ 6:22pm
it's not illegal it's frowned upon

Funny(3)
1160
Stalked on 06/08/2010 @ 5:31am
It's like my wise, old granny used to say, "If the bra and panties match, she's going to show you the snatch."

Funny(4)
2640
Stalked on 06/06/2010 @ 8:34pm
I'm starting to look forward to assisted living.

Funny(5)
19160
Stalked on 06/05/2010 @ 6:26am
Always sleep with one eye open. Unless you only have one eye then you should really close it and get some sleep.

Funny(2)
11150
Stalked on 05/27/2010 @ 6:32pm
Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to shit, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and shit my pants

Funny(7)
003
Comment by Anonymous

Lol like it but I doubt anyone will use it as a status lmao funny though :)

Comment by Twystafate

Old, but still makes me laugh!!!!!

Comment by Anonymous

My grampie says that all the time lol

Stalked on 05/23/2010 @ 6:31pm
I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch.

Funny(3)
18100
Stalked on 05/23/2010 @ 6:31pm
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

Epic(2)
2240
Stalked on 05/22/2010 @ 5:58am
the world is a stage, and the only seats I can afford are obstructed view.

Funny(2)
950
Stalked on 05/22/2010 @ 12:51am
The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

Epic(2)
1460
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