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Stalked on 05/14/2012 @ 6:50pm

I can't be the only person who on Monday wants to hurt everybody who even looks in my direction.

Epic(2)

17 11 0

Stalked on 05/14/2012 @ 6:49pm

I'm on a diet until my wife falls asleep.

Epic(1)

16 9 0

Stalked on 05/14/2012 @ 1:40am

I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

Funny(3)

47 13 0

Stalked on 05/13/2012 @ 5:07pm

Happy Mothers Day not only to our mothers, but also to the women that are there for us throughout our lives that aren't our mothers. Friends, Teachers, Role Models: Those women who teach us, inspire us, care about us, and love us as if they were just another "mother." Happy Mother's Day to you all. ♥

Win(5)

19 9 0

Stalked on 05/12/2012 @ 4:50am

I'm pretty sure if Caps Lock was a real person, he would sound like Gilbert Gottfried.

Epic(4)

30 13 0

Stalked on 05/11/2012 @ 8:35am

Ever feel like kicking some men in the balls just to remind them that they have balls?

Epic(3)

41 15 3

Comment by Anonymous

The two comments below must be two sad penises…

Comment by Anonymous

Ever feel like kicking a woman in the cunt just to remind them that's what it feels like when you hear them talk?

Comment by Anonymous

ever feel like kicking a woman in the vagina just to remind them it hurts probably just as much?

Stalked on 05/07/2012 @ 4:18am

I believe in karma That means I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

Funny(22)

89 21 1

Comment by Anonymous

As much as I believe in treating people kindly, no matter what, this status is fuckin' hilarious/gold. : )

Stalked on 05/06/2012 @ 10:21pm

new condom slogan: wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

Epic(5)

89 14 5

Comment by Leah6666

awesome!

Comment by Anonymous

oh how i know this all to well. :( ha ha

Comment by Anonymous

I had a vasectomy so I shoot blanks!

Comment by Anonymous

lmfaao

Comment by Anonymous

I copied this status and got 20 likes . Thank u kindly sir

Stalked on 05/06/2012 @ 10:17pm

I dont right things write on purpose. I like to keep grammar police busy.

Epic(1)

22 14 4

Comment by Anonymous

Oh boy..... :D

Comment by Anonymous

don't* :) Because i know that one was unintentional :)

Comment by Leah6666

:D

Comment by Anonymous

Lol well played leah

Stalked on 05/02/2012 @ 10:15pm

I force uncomfortable topics in everyday conversations. People need to come out of their shells.

Funny(5)

32 13 2

Comment by Anonymous

Comment by Anonymous

Comment by Anonymous

Comment by Anonymous

Stalked on 05/02/2012 @ 3:54am

Turn your wounds into wisdom.

Fail(9)

40 39 0

Stalked on 04/29/2012 @ 5:46am

Sometimes I want to punch words right back into peoples mouths.

Funny(4)

42 6 0

Stalked on 04/25/2012 @ 6:31pm

When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

Funny(7)

101 5 0

Stalked on 04/23/2012 @ 10:28pm

It used to bother me that I didn't fit in. Now I smile at all those miserable people who do.

Epic(5)

26 9 0

Stalked on 04/22/2012 @ 11:59pm

If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

Funny(5)

38 5 1

Comment by Anonymous

I'll be investing in Microsoft & Apple, your dinosaur can lick balls.

Stalked on 04/19/2012 @ 9:56pm

"Here, let me fill your head with a bunch of opinionated bullshit that's not actually news" - Every major news outlet

Funny(2)

31 7 1

Comment by Anonymous

Brb creating news stories out of nothing, providing false information, and twisting stories around.

Stalked on 04/17/2012 @ 5:08pm

Don't just bend the rules, break them in half and beat them with both pieces.

Epic(2)

33 10 3

Comment by Anonymous

If the rules are the ones being "broken in half", then how can they beat themselves with themselves?

Comment by Anonymous

Vvvv your toilet must be flooded - the rain man

Comment by Anonymous

Just to be honest im taken a shit right now. its like everytime I sit down on a toilet my dick dangles into the toilet water. But funny status I really hope all goes well with you breaking the rules!

Stalked on 04/11/2012 @ 4:46am

I hate when people talk while I'm CLEARLY trying to interrupt.

Funny(2)

35 4 0

Stalked on 04/09/2012 @ 10:38pm

I thought Instagram was a drug delivery service...

Funny(2)

32 7 0

Stalked on 04/06/2012 @ 4:01am

Gay marriages need to be legalized everywhere because I would watch the shit out of Gay Divorce Court.

Funny(4)

72 25 1

Comment by Anonymous

At least their shit would already be packed when the divorce was finalized.

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