Stalked on 06/27/2012 @ 7:22pm
Started back at the gym this week and now Im as sore as a port whore during fleet week
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Stalked on 01/04/2012 @ 6:28am
Why do porn stars tweet pics of their kids? Factory workers don't tweet pics of their on-the-job accidents
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Stalked on 12/27/2011 @ 3:11am
My career path is now going to be committing enough crimes so that the FBI asks for my help in preventing other crimes.
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Stalked on 11/27/2011 @ 5:07pm
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, "Me? How?"
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Stalked on 11/27/2011 @ 3:22pm
When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.
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Stalked on 11/21/2011 @ 11:44am
Free speech is violence. Money is free speech. Corporations are people. Pizza is a vegetable.
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Stalked on 11/04/2011 @ 12:02pm
Go to google.com, type in "google gravity" and click I'm feeling lucky. It's so awesome!
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Stalked on 11/02/2011 @ 6:00pm
I was a relatively happy man until I recently discovered Justin Bieber owns a Batmobile. An actual freaking Batmobile.
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Stalked on 11/01/2011 @ 12:28pm
Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!
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Stalked on 10/28/2011 @ 1:34pm
If you're feeling dizzy, it's my fault. Was just on google maps spinning the globe around with that little hand.
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Stalked on 10/15/2011 @ 11:23am
Stepping on a scale before and after I use the bathroom is the best measurement for finding out how full of shit I am.
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Stalked on 10/11/2011 @ 7:55am
It's not that your fat, it's just that your clothes are trying to kill you.
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Stalked on 10/09/2011 @ 3:27am
Wow, as it turns out you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sending a big SORRY out to that lady at the Waffle House from this morning. I was just trying to help!
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Stalked on 09/28/2011 @ 5:16pm
When I hear "animal testing," I just think of a monkey filling out a Scantron sheet.
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Stalked on 08/21/2011 @ 8:52pm
Tickling your opponent is a surprisingly effective defense if you're in a fist fight.
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Stalked on 08/18/2011 @ 6:04am
I can drink beer faster than a hobo can count change!
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Stalked on 08/11/2011 @ 7:25am
I'm drunk and thinking thoughts about things. Some of these things are unthinkable. Ever think thoughts about things like that?
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Stalked on 08/06/2011 @ 12:52am
Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.
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Stalked on 07/31/2011 @ 2:47am
Raid should make suppositories for all the people with bugs up their asses.
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Stalked on 07/29/2011 @ 3:25am
I bet a Prius Transformer would convert into an emo robot who wears skinny jeans and a wallet chain.
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Crazy Status Updates We all have a few crazy friends on Facebook, and even more on Twitter. I often find myself wondering ''why would anyone post that as their status for everyone to see'' Well this is the place to post your ''did they REALLY just post that'' statuses.
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody
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VVV LMAO I think he was bench pressing with his mangina!