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It's only gambling if you're losing.
To find your prince you need to kiss a few frogs not sleep with the whole pond.
Can't stop drinking about you
When prostitutes go on strike they really don't give a fuck.
Never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I want to wear the scariest costume I can think of to work for Halloween this year, so I'm going as a pregnancy test.
I feel like there's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%
You can stop trying to drive me crazy.
I'm honestly close enough to walk to it from here.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to fuck you.
I'm just a Stupid looking for my I'm With
I just flew in from Detroit, and Boy my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes
Peeta and Katniss have the potential for the most inappropriate celebrity couple nickname ever.
Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?
Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
What's the level of crazy above a straitjacket?
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
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