Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Well, fitness pals, I have finally found my favorite machine at the gym. The vending machine.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If my Dr. ever told me that one more slice of pizza would kill me, it would be the hardest thing I ever did. .....trying to decide where to order that pizza from
Appreciate "the little things" in life...unless it's a penis, no one's gonna appreciate that.
Take Chantix, Viagra, and Ambien you will sleepwalk to your neighbors house and kill them with your cock.
You know you're getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up,"
Well, guy I've only met once who remembers my name,...you win this round.
I'm only really attracted to brunettes but blondes and redheads are hot too.
Half the battle is choosing which battle to fight
Sometimes the secret to getting what you want is to give it first.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you're so stupid
I put my pants on just like everyone else: in your mom’s bedroom in the morning
My Facebook page -- raise your hand if you have fuzzy dice hanging on the rear view mirror in your car. I'm cleaning out my friend list and need to know who to delete
Next time your Ex ask you for money give them a bunch of pennies a couple nickels and a handful of quarters and when they ask "What the fuck is this?" Be like 'That's all you'! I only fuck with DIMES!!!!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
So many angry people on the internet. Get laid.
The longest and shortest sentence ever: I do.
I'm all for our rights as Americans, but I wouldn't be too upset if being able to wear a bikini at the beach involved an application process.
Sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments
Son: dad I don't know anything about women
Dad: then you are at the point where I can teach you no more, you are ready
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