Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
When you're old, my kids will be in charge. I'm so, so sorry.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Whatever "Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Just ate a jar of pickles and a peach yogurt. Gonna take a pregnancy test after this ice cream sandwich
If your vagina could talk, it would probably give Public Cervix Announcements.
1000 - the earth is flat
1492 - the earth is round
2014 - the earth is sooo stupid why can't I watch netflix in the shower
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'
I love the way you planted fake dinosaur bones all over the world just to fuck with scientists.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it's nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an asshole on the Internet.
Fuck you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do
Me: You're so beautiful when you're angry.
Her: Am I not beautiful all the time?
Me: That's what I said.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Be sure to enunciate when asking to see a policewoman's badge.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you're looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don't have enough experience for.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.
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