Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
The most exciting part of first dates is when you both act like you didn't thoroughly research each other on the internet
If you want to be in an exciting car chase, just order an Uber, get in, and then on the way to your destination, order another Uber
If a potential employer asks why you lost your last job, take a breath, look them in the eye, and say you got too close to the truth
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Octopuses or octopi or octopodes or octopoids are known for causing arguments about plural nouns.
Sometimes I forget how I did things without a smart phone like get directions, find recipes or have insomnia.
Happiness is not determined by what's happening around you. Rather by what is happening within you.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it's Russia somewhere.
If a man singer in his 50's grabbed a younger woman performer on stage, yanked her hair back then kissed her without her consent, what would happen?
Let's all just write in Beyonce for the 2016 presidential election.
*eats snack while looking for a better snack*
If you listen to a Nickleback album backwards you'll hear messages from the devil, even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Nickleback
I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
I'm smart but not "I understood Inception" smart.
Really sorry to hear your life's fallen apart. Have you tried getting back on the horse or making lemonade? I hear there are a lot of fish!
You only live once?
You live everyday.
You only die once.
Finding someone to sleep with is easy it's finding someone that you want to wake up with that's hard.
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