Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:"I hope you have a slow and painful death!"
Me:"So now you want me to stay?"
Translation: Start redecorating that friend zone. Buy a fridge and a comfortable chair 'cause you're never coming out.
There's only one person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with... yourself. Don't live the rest of your life with an asshole.
If I show up at the bar with a yo-yo I'm stealing your girl just watch me.
I WON THE LOTTERY FUCK YOU ALL!
Sorry just practicing
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
Someone should make a nicotine patch you can wear over your eye so you can quit smoking and be a pirate all at the same time.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Don't waste your time trying to hack Forrest Gump's Facebook account. I've got his password it's 1Forrest1
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
The people that drive old, beat up cars have got it right; they don't have to think twice before ramming another car that cuts them off.
What if we use emojis more and more until we go back to hieroglyphs
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn't quite make it in.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
If life has taught me anything it's that when you hear "with all due respect", somebody's about to get disrespected.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
The government is too involved in our lives, says the guy who wants to make sure you're married in an appropriate fashion
My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.
And then they get food poisoning cuz who leaves dairy outside on a hot day?
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