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Posted 2015-04-16T06:36:08+02:00
The most exciting part of first dates is when you both act like you didn't thoroughly research each other on the internet

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:34:55+02:00
If you want to be in an exciting car chase, just order an Uber, get in, and then on the way to your destination, order another Uber

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:31:23+02:00
If a potential employer asks why you lost your last job, take a breath, look them in the eye, and say you got too close to the truth

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:28:20+02:00
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below

Epic(4)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:27:13+02:00
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:24:38+02:00
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:23:10+02:00
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-04-15T04:40:16+02:00
Octopuses or octopi or octopodes or octopoids are known for causing arguments about plural nouns.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-04-15T04:36:23+02:00
Sometimes I forget how I did things without a smart phone like get directions, find recipes or have insomnia.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-04-15T04:34:20+02:00
Happiness is not determined by what's happening around you. Rather by what is happening within you.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

like you vibrator

Comment by Anonymous

Someone ordered Chinese food tonight.

Posted 2015-04-15T04:00:05+02:00
Putting vodka in my juice, because it's Russia somewhere.

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-04-15T03:59:04+02:00
If a man singer in his 50's grabbed a younger woman performer on stage, yanked her hair back then kissed her without her consent, what would happen?

Win(2)
Posted 2015-04-15T03:56:02+02:00
Let's all just write in Beyonce for the 2016 presidential election.

Fail(3)
Comment by Anonymous

VV We learned 2 things. 1 He is terrible in his job. 2 Pussies like you post racist things anonymously online that serve to take the focus away from number 1.

Comment by Anonymous

V V V dude. . . . .

Comment by Anonymous

Didn't we learn anything from the first nigger we elected?

Comment by Anonymous

While she is more qualified than the clown in the office now, I think there are better choices.

Posted 2015-04-15T03:33:21+02:00
*eats snack while looking for a better snack*

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

What is a fat lazy slob?

Posted 2015-04-14T19:33:44+02:00
If you listen to a Nickleback album backwards you'll hear messages from the devil, even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Nickleback

Fail(2)
Comment by Anonymous

But she can create an awesome logo that shows us how cool and young she is.

Comment by Anonymous

If you listen to a Hillary Clinton speech backwards you'll hear messages from the devil, even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Hillary Clinton.

Comment by Anonymous

This was old 4 years ago.

Comment by Anonymous

And if you really want to suck even more than Nickleback, you can post this status.

Posted 2015-04-14T09:17:08+02:00
I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Where did you steal it from?

Comment by Anonymous

I am assuming that this and the Nickleback post are from the same guy. I posted this myself last year.

Posted 2015-04-14T09:00:39+02:00
I'm smart but not "I understood Inception" smart.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

No one ever called you smart.

Posted 2015-04-14T08:52:49+02:00
Really sorry to hear your life's fallen apart. Have you tried getting back on the horse or making lemonade? I hear there are a lot of fish!

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-04-14T08:49:00+02:00
You only live once? False. You live everyday. You only die once.

Epic(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Dwight Schrute?

Posted 2015-04-14T08:47:04+02:00
Finding someone to sleep with is easy it's finding someone that you want to wake up with that's hard.

Win(2)

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