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The older I get, the more I understand someone's desire to just say-"Fuck it. I'm going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know
I don't like who I am when I see a wasp.
Psychopaths and Eskimos are the only groups of people who can comfortably sleep with socks on.
If cheese made you drunk, I wouldn't be able to walk right now.
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
This would look great on you.
*points at self
The heart wants what the liquor store has.
Love is just a bunch of feelings put into four letters.
This patience thing takes forever.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Don't push me away and then say we drifted apart.
I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.
Normally you're not allowed to sneak down people's chimneys but there's a Santa clause in the law
Guys just want a slutty innocent virgin and girls just want an attentive, aloof, nice, bad guy.
My favorite typo is when I leave a whole entire out.
I just gotta believe that as a species we're capable of making an automatic hand dryer that's quieter than an airplane.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Man: You look pretty today.
Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.
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