Posted 2014-09-25T03:25:13+02:00
When you're old, my kids will be in charge. I'm so, so sorry.

Posted 2014-09-25T03:17:38+02:00
Most problems can be solved with nudity

Posted 2014-09-25T03:06:56+02:00
Whatever "Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted.

Posted 2014-09-25T03:06:23+02:00
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

Posted 2014-09-25T02:57:35+02:00
Just ate a jar of pickles and a peach yogurt. Gonna take a pregnancy test after this ice cream sandwich

Posted 2014-09-25T02:55:57+02:00
If your vagina could talk, it would probably give Public Cervix Announcements.

Comment by Anonymous

Drop the 'L' in Public and it's even funnier!

Posted 2014-09-23T02:43:51+02:00
1000 - the earth is flat 1492 - the earth is round 2014 - the earth is sooo stupid why can't I watch netflix in the shower

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-09-23T02:42:04+02:00
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.

Posted 2014-09-23T02:38:50+02:00
My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

I can't use this again D;

Posted 2014-09-23T02:36:33+02:00
If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'

Posted 2014-09-23T02:03:23+02:00
Dear God, I love the way you planted fake dinosaur bones all over the world just to fuck with scientists. Fucking classic.

Posted 2014-09-23T01:53:36+02:00
After socializing and being nice to people all day it's nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an asshole on the Internet.

Comment by Anonymous

Who are you trying to kid? You are an asshole 24/7. The only change is you are a drunken one at night.

Posted 2014-09-23T01:47:49+02:00
Fuck you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

Posted 2014-09-23T01:42:57+02:00
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-09-23T01:00:24+02:00
Me: You're so beautiful when you're angry. Her: Am I not beautiful all the time? Me: That's what I said.

Posted 2014-09-23T00:59:05+02:00
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

Comment by Anonymous

I don't get it..

Posted 2014-09-23T00:58:50+02:00
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.

Posted 2014-09-23T00:56:42+02:00
Be sure to enunciate when asking to see a policewoman's badge.

Posted 2014-09-23T00:42:51+02:00
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you're looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don't have enough experience for.

Posted 2014-09-23T00:36:27+02:00
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.


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