Posted 2015-11-17T03:05:54+01:00
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-11-17T03:02:18+01:00
[Bags packed, leaving the ex] Ex:"I hope you have a slow and painful death!" Me:"So now you want me to stay?"

Posted 2015-11-17T02:39:52+01:00
"I'm flattered." Translation: Start redecorating that friend zone. Buy a fridge and a comfortable chair 'cause you're never coming out.

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous


Posted 2015-11-17T02:30:10+01:00
There's only one person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with... yourself. Don't live the rest of your life with an asshole.

Posted 2015-11-17T02:24:44+01:00
If I show up at the bar with a yo-yo I'm stealing your girl just watch me.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-11-17T02:24:20+01:00
I WON THE LOTTERY FUCK YOU ALL! Sorry just practicing

Posted 2015-11-17T02:22:54+01:00
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.

Posted 2015-11-17T02:18:55+01:00
Someone should make a nicotine patch you can wear over your eye so you can quit smoking and be a pirate all at the same time.

Posted 2015-11-17T02:15:12+01:00
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.

Posted 2015-11-17T02:13:03+01:00
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Posted 2015-11-17T02:12:51+01:00
Don't waste your time trying to hack Forrest Gump's Facebook account. I've got his password it's 1Forrest1

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-11-17T02:10:55+01:00
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.

Posted 2015-11-17T02:10:29+01:00
The people that drive old, beat up cars have got it right; they don't have to think twice before ramming another car that cuts them off.

Posted 2015-11-17T02:05:12+01:00
What if we use emojis more and more until we go back to hieroglyphs

Posted 2015-11-13T01:04:04+01:00
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn't quite make it in.

Comment by Anonymous

and so are pedophiles.

Comment by Anonymous

Ten year olds are commenting now....

Comment by Anonymous

I woke up next to your mom and had the same thought. Go figure.

Posted 2015-11-13T00:58:16+01:00
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.

Posted 2015-11-13T00:56:45+01:00
If life has taught me anything it's that when you hear "with all due respect", somebody's about to get disrespected.

Posted 2015-11-13T00:56:18+01:00
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

Posted 2015-11-11T03:03:38+01:00
The government is too involved in our lives, says the guy who wants to make sure you're married in an appropriate fashion

Posted 2015-11-11T03:02:30+01:00
My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard. And then they get food poisoning cuz who leaves dairy outside on a hot day?

Get a Life(1)

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