Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Thought I saw my ex walking down the street but she wasn't busy sucking someone else's cock so it probably wasn't her.
Don't you love being the last one to find out but the first one to not give a fuck
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
2) Shoes you can't afford
Super stoked to see the new boulders I assume my upstairs neighbors are rolling around in their apartment.
Internet: you've made a compelling argument. Sleep: present your case.
Everyone wants to have sex, sluts are just successful. That's why we hate them.
Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
I have the world's best opinions.
Remember, every six cats equals one boyfriend.
You're not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you're an asshole.
If I were Noah, I'd be like, fuck the earth I'm gonna keep this boat full of animals and pet them forever.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
It's not called "Laura the Explorer" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
A credit score but based on how you treat people.
Everything I know about Californian geography I learned from Tupac's songs
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