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Posted 2015-09-23T22:00:44-06:00
Tonight on DATELINE: Real Life Mysteries, the story of a woman who stuck her hand in her pocketbook & got her keys out on the very 1st try.

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-09-23T21:57:02-06:00
Trusting someone is giving them your back and a knife, and letting them chose, stabbing or protecting you

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

I'd stab you for not spelling "choose" correctly

Comment by Anonymous

Real friends stab you in the front.

Posted 2015-09-23T21:51:06-06:00
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don't have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-09-23T21:50:38-06:00
I hate birthdays, did you know, too many can actually kill you?

Fail(2)
Posted 2015-09-23T21:50:15-06:00
The idea of meeting someone on a dating website is more terrifying to me than dying alone.

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Have fun with your head in the sand.

Posted 2015-09-23T21:47:57-06:00
PRO TIP: ask your crush "hey wanna date?" and if they reject you just pull out some dried fruit and say "ok. more for me"

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-09-23T18:45:44-06:00
If you've never lost your mind, you've never followed your heart.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-09-23T18:42:38-06:00
The only kids I want are sour patch.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

I kind of despise kids so...nice response for a family reunion.

Comment by Anonymous

What is: Why did you decide to date only same sex?

Posted 2015-09-23T18:41:52-06:00
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Why not just get the burger at the place you work at?

Posted 2015-09-23T18:40:35-06:00
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren't rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

And even if it was, the OP is so beyond ugly that even those women would not have him.

Comment by Anonymous

Yeah that's not a thing.

Posted 2015-09-23T18:39:51-06:00
In Hell you can only drink Orange juice after you brush your teeth.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-09-23T18:39:28-06:00
French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

V Didn't you guys live in poverty and wish you could live here? LMAO

Comment by Anonymous

Didn't you guys get your ass kicked in Vietnam lmao

Posted 2015-09-23T18:29:04-06:00
You can lead an idiot to conclusions, but you can't make him think.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-09-23T18:26:30-06:00
Coffee so black it's gravity destroys atoms.

Fail(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Coffee so black it steals everything it sees to sell for crack.

Comment by Anonymous

Coffee so black it riots, loots and burns down it's ghetto.

Comment by Anonymous

If the cream is whipped then that is even worse. #allcreammatters

Comment by Anonymous

Coffee is racist unless it has cream in it.

Comment by Anonymous

That sounds racist.

Posted 2015-09-23T18:22:59-06:00
You've reached the limitations of my medications.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

I've had a T shirt that says this for years now

Comment by Anonymous

Have you tried overdosing?

Posted 2015-09-23T18:22:47-06:00
If by cardio you mean the 30 minutes I spent picking an ice cube up off the kitchen floor then yes I did cardio today.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You must be in great shape you have done that a number of times on here before.

Posted 2015-09-23T18:22:10-06:00
Please stop throwing my only possessions. -dogs everywhere

-1(0)
Posted 2015-09-23T18:15:26-06:00
Netflix and chill? Hulu and kick it? HBOGo and hang out? Amazon Prime and let loose? Your choice.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-09-23T18:12:10-06:00
I wish someone would tell me how good food-trucks are.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-09-16T07:48:26-06:00
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn't know what "day off" means.

Funny(2)

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