Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Just drink until you're someone elses problem.
The condoms need to be located in the fucking baby aisle
Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
You can't make someone respect you, but you can sure as hell refuse to be disrespected.
Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.
Girls aren't crazy, they just need reassurance that you love them and you'll never look at that fucking whore again or I'll show you crazy
For all the horny Asians out there, happy erection day
Remember, vote Republican or you will die of Ebola while an illegal-immigrant terror baby steals your guns and turns your family gay.
The dying art of knowing when to shut the fuck up.
I don't know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I'd have like 3 problems. Max.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".
Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut down trees, make paper from it and then write, "SAVE TREES" on it.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it? It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.
Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.
I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster.
You know it's been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I bet if dogs could talk, the first words out of their mouth would be "you gonna eat that?"
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