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Dad's really drunk. The Olive Garden manager is threatening to cut off our breadsticks.
Crazy how every dad was born today
Happy Father's Day to all the milkmen and UPS guys!
Father's Day prank: leave your dad to get a pack of cigarettes
World Cup soccer motto: "Oooh, almost!"
I'm from the Friend Zone originally, but now I live in the Bae Area.
My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Amar'e Stoudemire was just on MSNBC promoting his kosher cookbook so I want to wish Melo the best of luck in Miami
I'm-a start a new movement. Call it "People Against People Against People." Basically, we'd go around protesting anyone who is discriminating against someone else. Creed, colour, genitalia, it don't matter. If you have protesters and you feel they are being discriminatory, you give us a call and we'll be right over with signs and bullhorns to protest their protest. We can even have a slogan: "Hey you, Stop that!"
Instantly improve your day by picturing a corgi trying to climb through a doggy door that's too tall for his tiny legs.
Humpty Dumpty sat on wall, Humpty Dumpty had great fall, All the king's horses & all the king's men, Were dead b/c George R.R. Martin is a dick
According to recent statistics, I have 100% no idea what I'm doing with my life
Yo girl, are you a hot dog cuz I really want you, but then I remember how many things went into you and it grosses me out
I hate when you hold a door open but people keep coming so you can't leave then someone places a hat on you & oh great now you're the doorman
When you're out & your cell battery is low:
1) lower screen brightness
2) turn off WiFi
3) crawl under table
4) weep softly til help arrives
"Would you like a bag for that?" asks the rude cashier, pointing to your face.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
"Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank
I think actors should line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners.
If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry
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