Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Tonight on DATELINE: Real Life Mysteries, the story of a woman who stuck her hand in her pocketbook & got her keys out on the very 1st try.
Trusting someone is giving them your back and a knife, and letting them chose, stabbing or protecting you
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don't have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I hate birthdays, did you know, too many can actually kill you?
The idea of meeting someone on a dating website is more terrifying to me than dying alone.
PRO TIP: ask your crush "hey wanna date?" and if they reject you just pull out some dried fruit and say "ok. more for me"
If you've never lost your mind, you've never followed your heart.
The only kids I want are sour patch.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren't rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
In Hell you can only drink Orange juice after you brush your teeth.
French toast is regular toast that surrendered.
You can lead an idiot to conclusions, but you can't make him think.
Coffee so black it's gravity destroys atoms.
You've reached the limitations of my medications.
If by cardio you mean the 30 minutes I spent picking an ice cube up off the kitchen floor then yes I did cardio today.
Please stop throwing my only possessions.
Netflix and chill? Hulu and kick it? HBOGo and hang out? Amazon Prime and let loose? Your choice.
I wish someone would tell me how good food-trucks are.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn't know what "day off" means.
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