Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Listen officer, I'm a woman. I ask the questions.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
It's getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
"It would feel amazing waking up with you already inside of me."
- Me whispering to my coffee.
I'm growing a mullet to test our friendship.
It's not a dog if I can accidentally sit on it
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
Your dating profile should be like house listings.
1. Sq. footage
2. Date built
3. # of previous owners?
4. Finished basement?
Cee Lo and a t-Rex in a slap fight.
You're dry humping my last nerve.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get.
I hope you can attend my TED Talk where I will discuss how to turn off the motherfucking typing noises on your iPhone.
You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.
The best things in life are the things you can't explain with just one puppet show.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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