Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser
Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I've found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.
Wear a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accuse him of fucking Minnie until you're forcibly removed or arrested.
Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening. Live your life like Maury just told you you're not the kid's father.
My dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I'm not judgmental, so I won't assume what sex she was.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
If every president doesn't call his penis the "Prez Dispenser" then we should just turn off the lights and stop being a country.
"Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.
I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.
Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
Just sitting here with a mouth full of Crest Whitestrips pretending to be Mike Tyson.
Damn girl are you enough sleep because I want you so bad but I don't think it's gonna happen in this lifetime
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