Posted 2015-03-11T05:14:29+01:00
Listen officer, I'm a woman. I ask the questions.

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Listen officer, I have tits and im emotional, so give me free stuff and let me throw a tantrum, then you apologysze

Comment by Anonymous

v Bedroom too, and don't forget the place where the laundry is done.

Comment by Anonymous

women should only be in the kitchen

Posted 2015-03-11T04:59:21+01:00
So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Posted 2015-03-11T04:55:28+01:00
You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.

Posted 2015-03-11T04:54:52+01:00
It's getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!

Posted 2015-03-11T04:46:47+01:00
"It would feel amazing waking up with you already inside of me." - Me whispering to my coffee.

Posted 2015-03-11T04:42:37+01:00
I'm growing a mullet to test our friendship.

Posted 2015-03-11T04:41:13+01:00
It's not a dog if I can accidentally sit on it

Comment by Anonymous

Correction: It's not a dog if I can accidentally kill it by sitting on it.

Posted 2015-03-11T04:36:21+01:00
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

Posted 2015-03-11T04:32:49+01:00
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

Posted 2015-03-11T04:30:57+01:00
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.

Posted 2015-03-10T07:47:12+01:00
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?

Comment by Anonymous

5 Do the carpets match the drapes or are there no carpets?

Posted 2015-03-10T07:45:34+01:00
Cee Lo and a t-Rex in a slap fight.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-03-10T07:39:02+01:00
You're dry humping my last nerve.

Posted 2015-03-10T07:37:10+01:00
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.

Posted 2015-03-10T07:34:15+01:00
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now

Posted 2015-03-10T07:25:13+01:00
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get.

Comment by Anonymous

If you are going to steal something why not steal the whole thing. "Those who do are smiling. :) " Lazy status thieves.

Posted 2015-03-10T06:42:09+01:00
I hope you can attend my TED Talk where I will discuss how to turn off the motherfucking typing noises on your iPhone.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-03-10T04:16:01+01:00
You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

Comment by Anonymous

doesn't apply to Asian families in Asia. we live with our families out of love. we don;t let economic condition determine our relationships. you western folks are assholes.

Posted 2015-03-09T09:18:39+01:00
The best things in life are the things you can't explain with just one puppet show.

Posted 2015-03-09T05:39:33+01:00
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER


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