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You can't judge a book by its cover, but you CAN judge one by its width.
For the longest time I pledged allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for Richard Stands...
Have you ever seen someone and thought "wow I'd love to be responsible for your next orgasm"
I once kissed a frog, but it turned into an effeminate black man who drove away on a purple motorcycle singing about raspberry berets.
Why does everyone dress their toddler like a rich gay man?
If you're telekinetic and you know it, clap my hands.
"I'm having an affair" -An Italian inviting you to his fair
Strip Clubs: Where men go to get boners together as confirmation of their heterosexuality.
You can't be funny and inspirational. Pick a struggle
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My friend is an engaged ninja & he put me in charge of his bachelor party. It started two hours ago & I still don't know if anyone's here.
End all relationships after 2 months. People are terrible after that.
The only time I've passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza
When you want to break up with someone but you already developed a deep mutual emotional connection with their dog
Typing a question into Google is like telling someone a good joke; either way, you probably won't get exactly what you wanted.
I'm not saying you're ugly, but if your face was an emoticon, no one would use it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Aliens must all be women,
They want us to make the first move.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Apparently "Rack City" is not yet recognized as a valid destination on Google Maps.
Whoever designs gas station parking lots needs to go back to gas station parking lot design school
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