Posted 2014-10-15T19:50:35+02:00
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

Posted 2014-10-15T19:49:49+02:00
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

"mission accomplished"

Posted 2014-10-15T19:45:58+02:00
Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

Posted 2014-10-15T19:44:01+02:00
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:40:01+02:00
If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:31:33+02:00
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I've found not all dreams are meant to be followed.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:28:28+02:00
Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.

Comment by Anonymous

It's not a nut, it's a legume...

Posted 2014-10-15T18:27:51+02:00
Wear a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accuse him of fucking Minnie until you're forcibly removed or arrested.

Comment by Anonymous

They will love someone like you in prison.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:26:59+02:00
Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening. Live your life like Maury just told you you're not the kid's father.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:23:44+02:00
My dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-10-15T18:22:34+02:00
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I'm not judgmental, so I won't assume what sex she was.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:21:00+02:00
Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:15:49+02:00
If every president doesn't call his penis the "Prez Dispenser" then we should just turn off the lights and stop being a country.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:15:23+02:00
"Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

He does give Kanye a run for his money in the self love dept.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:12:56+02:00
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-10-15T18:10:09+02:00
Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:09:57+02:00
I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

Comment by Anonymous

And you repeat yourself often.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:09:30+02:00
Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

Posted 2014-10-15T18:06:49+02:00
Just sitting here with a mouth full of Crest Whitestrips pretending to be Mike Tyson.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-10-14T20:38:37+02:00
Damn girl are you enough sleep because I want you so bad but I don't think it's gonna happen in this lifetime

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

I think that is true for any girl and you.

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