Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
And just like that Baby Hitler becomes 2015's "It" Halloween costume.
"Madame Secretary can you please say somethin' that might keep you from bein' the next President?"
"No thanks fellas I'll just be President"
Anyone else notice that the world economy started to tank and terrorism boomed around the time that gluten-free products became a thing?
My Spirit animal hunts other spirit animals.
When I see people putting their heart and soul into singing to themselves in their car. I find a little faith in humanity.
Fuck, you are my favorite word. I love you Fuck.
Dudes in porn, shut the hell up.
The D in friendzone is ironic.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
Every time I spend more than $100 on a date my bank calls me just to make sure that I'll be getting laid.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, fuck it. I'm going to be Spider-Man today."
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The President used the n-word? I'm sure he is not the first president to do that.
I spent all day at work staring at my phone. Now it's time for me to go home and stare my phone. But with the TV on.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
"The entire sky is mine to explore!
Nah, fuck that, I'll just swoop dangerously through traffic instead."
Jogging combines my 2 favorite things: gasping for air and looking stupid.
My neck, my back, my Hope, my Jobs, and my Cash
I feel so bad for Lamar Odom. Imagine being in a coma and when you wake up the first thing you see is a Kardashian.
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