Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
You shouldn't be able to get married unless you've put something from Ikea together.
I see London. I see France. I have a map of Europe
You aren't truly good looking unless someone is using a picture of you to catfish someone else.
It's shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
You look like a million dollars! A huge, crumpled, pile of paper covered with trace amounts of cocaine and fecal matter.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any dick pics
I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Bruce Jenner could attach a boob to his forehead and I still wouldn't care..
Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Fred Astaire because Fred a like a what he sees.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice instead
"Do you have any questions?"
How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles?
Call me old fashioned but I don't think that deep inspirational quote needed your face attached to it.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you're not the boss of me"!
I was going throw an Earth Day party, but I forgot to planet.
So let me get this straight. You'll suck a dick, but you wont drink tap water?
Total Number of Statuses:26774
Recent Funny Statuses If you need a funny status for your facebook or Twitter, Status Stalker has the largest collection of the funniest statuses. Every wants people to like their status updates so make your worth liking by making your friends laugh instead of posting what you had for lunch.
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody