Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
My emotional life is just the constant sensation of fighting my way out of a hammock.
I think I'm going to cry now for a very long time. #TheWalkingDead
What if I told you replying to trolls is for losers?
If you're not singing "Hitler Baby one more time" to the tune of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time" I'm sorry but you are now.
Does this baby hitler have the mustache or nah because that's crucial
You can't go back in time and kill baby hitler because then you'd just be the guy that went back in time and killed a random baby
And just like that Baby Hitler becomes 2015's "It" Halloween costume.
"Madame Secretary can you please say somethin' that might keep you from bein' the next President?"
"No thanks fellas I'll just be President"
Anyone else notice that the world economy started to tank and terrorism boomed around the time that gluten-free products became a thing?
My Spirit animal hunts other spirit animals.
When I see people putting their heart and soul into singing to themselves in their car. I find a little faith in humanity.
Fuck, you are my favorite word. I love you Fuck.
Dudes in porn, shut the hell up.
The D in friendzone is ironic.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
Every time I spend more than $100 on a date my bank calls me just to make sure that I'll be getting laid.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, fuck it. I'm going to be Spider-Man today."
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The President used the n-word? I'm sure he is not the first president to do that.
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