Posted 2014-09-11T00:42:16+02:00
I'm sorry, I like you, I really do, but my oxytocin, dopamine, and seratonin levels are just not where I'd like them to be, and I blame you.

Posted 2014-09-11T00:38:49+02:00
Waiting for TMZ to leak a video of Roger Goodell watching the elevator video

Posted 2014-09-11T00:30:37+02:00
Sorry I prematurely accelerated my particles and ruined our big bang

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-09-10T23:27:22+02:00
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book."

Posted 2014-09-10T23:23:06+02:00
Is "drunk hobo" redundant? Are there sober hobos? Are they called "sobos"? Is this ambien ever going to kick in?

Posted 2014-09-10T23:22:38+02:00
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.

Posted 2014-09-10T23:19:49+02:00
Climbing a ladder only to slide back down to where you started is a very clever life lesson, well done playground

Posted 2014-09-10T23:15:17+02:00
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

Posted 2014-09-10T23:14:05+02:00
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?

Comment by Anonymous

Nope, sometimes it's black with bright specks of light, gray, green, pink, orange, red, oh wait, I'm sorry... OLLLLddddiiii!

Posted 2014-09-10T23:13:40+02:00
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn't tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You watch the wrong stupid movies.. He is now just stalking you.. waiting till you are alone one night.. and then he will pop in for a visit you will remember for the rest of your short life.

Posted 2014-09-10T23:08:04+02:00
My chest is so hairy it's like my nipples are a secret.

Comment by Anonymous

Girls today just can't keep these things private.

Posted 2014-09-10T22:48:24+02:00
2007: A phone that can replace your watch! 2014: Fuck you. Back to watches again.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-10T22:45:35+02:00
Her: I just feel like I'm not being heard. Me: Definitely. Sounds good babe. Her: Are you even listening to me? Me: Thats crazy!

Posted 2014-09-10T06:59:26+02:00
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy

Comment by Anonymous

VVV. Well these people have clearly been to prison

Comment by Anonymous

No you are wrong. Jokes are supposed to be funny, douchebag. But thanks for taking the time away from sucking cocks to share your worthless opinion. Why don't you go to Africa and get yourself some of that ebola and make the world a better place.

Comment by Ephrem707

It's called a joke you idiot. People like you are the reason abortion clinics exist. Your mother should've swallowed you or said "yes" to anal. Now, go be like Kurt Cobain and kill yourself.

Comment by Anonymous

How about a better mind so you could frame them without using the fingerprints you share because when they have an alibi you will be the one going to jail, dumbass.

Posted 2014-09-10T03:54:30+02:00
If Jay Z and Ray Rice have taught me anything this year, take the stairs, fuck those elevators!!!

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

I thought they were going to get together in a band with Chris Brown and do a greatest hits tour.

Posted 2014-09-09T20:25:26+02:00
He died doing what he loved: trying not to die.

Comment by Anonymous

You will die doing what you love: posting stupid shit online.

Posted 2014-09-09T20:19:01+02:00
This is the watchiest watch ever watched

Get a Life(3)
Comment by Anonymous

I wasn't looking.

Comment by Anonymous

Watch the f*ck is this?

Posted 2014-09-09T20:13:49+02:00
If Chris Brown and Ray Rice were both engulfed in flames and you only had one fire extinguisher.... where would you hide it?

Comment by Anonymous

VVV Bitter isn't better Ravens fan

Comment by Anonymous

V He knows tons about sticking stuff up his ass. He has practiced his whole life.

Comment by Anonymous

Probably up your asshole next to that big black dildo.

Posted 2014-09-09T20:12:32+02:00
Does the iPhone 6 Plus not receive phone calls? Because that would be a big plus for me.

Comment by Anonymous

Like anyone but your mom calls you, pussy

Posted 2014-09-09T20:11:31+02:00
Soon apple will control our lives. We'll have to buy iBreathe to get fresh air

Get a Life(1)

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