Just go without makeup for Halloween.
Is it too early to put on my costume? (I guess I should mention that what I'm being for Halloween is drunk.)
Worried about what to be for Halloween? Check your I.D. If you're over 18, you don't have to be anything!
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Can the last season of Jersey Shore please just be the cast fighting to death in Hunger Games?
I can never tell if it's Halloween or if everyone is just a stupid looking asshole
When I'm dying, open a YouTube video with an ad before it. That way my final moments feel like they last forever.
You can learn to hate, and you can learn to spell. But apparently it's one or the other.
Well son, I yelled "Damn shawty" as your mother walked by on the street and we've been together ever since
I like my women how I like my coffee,
between my legs as I drive.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Nickelback so I quickly have to close it.
Instagram me like one of your French toasts.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My anaconda has a structured settlement but it needs cash now.
Peyton Manning always looks like someone is explaining the internet to him.
Probably the hardest part about wearing a deep v-neck shirt is having to constantly look down to make sure you're not having sex.
I really don't care who wins the game of thrones as long as everybody had fun out there.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Been at this all-you-can-eat buffet since 6 p.m. last night. I'm still not full. They've called the cops. I'll fucking eat them too.
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