That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don't whether it's am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Wedding cake... one last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.
Guy: hey nice to meet you my name is Dolan.
Me: sorry, but I'm absolutely not calling you that. Do you have an alternative prepared?
Bizarre that someone said, "aren't you all that and a bag of potato chips" and another person was like, "I'm going to start saying that too"
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
The best part of professional sports is seeing sad men with their faces painted
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy
There are more skeletons wearing suits beneath the ground than there are living people.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
When I asked for a bag at Trader Joe's the cashier sighed like there was a bag shortage and she had a baby that could only eat bags
Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight
It's not that we're afraid to lose them but afraid to lose ourselves in them.
"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" "One second. Siri, do you know why this dick pulled me over?"
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
There's one energy source we'll never run out of: the anger of men under 5'7".
I'll incorrectly string your guitar, EADGAF
Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome
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