Posted 2014-08-27T22:04:10+02:00
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don't whether it's am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.

Posted 2014-08-27T22:03:51+02:00
Wedding cake... one last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

Posted 2014-08-27T01:31:28+02:00
Guy: hey nice to meet you my name is Dolan. Me: sorry, but I'm absolutely not calling you that. Do you have an alternative prepared?

Comment by Anonymous

Very stupid, don't quit your day job, you are not funny.

Posted 2014-08-27T01:29:11+02:00
Bizarre that someone said, "aren't you all that and a bag of potato chips" and another person was like, "I'm going to start saying that too"

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-08-27T01:23:33+02:00
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

Posted 2014-08-27T01:23:03+02:00
The best part of professional sports is seeing sad men with their faces painted

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-08-27T01:21:43+02:00
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy

Posted 2014-08-27T01:20:37+02:00
There are more skeletons wearing suits beneath the ground than there are living people.

Posted 2014-08-27T01:19:55+02:00
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Get a Life(3)
Posted 2014-08-27T01:18:18+02:00
When I asked for a bag at Trader Joe's the cashier sighed like there was a bag shortage and she had a baby that could only eat bags

Posted 2014-08-27T01:15:42+02:00
Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.

Posted 2014-08-27T01:15:08+02:00
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Comment by Anonymous

I guess they also believe that dead people can still do things too. Must be democratic voters. They will believe anything.

Comment by Anonymous

v They're referring to the whole myth of "white people stole this land." Which clearly, them and a lot of others are terrible at history and have no idea what the "spoils of war" are.

Comment by Anonymous

Why? What can a bunch of dead indians do to cause anything?

Posted 2014-08-27T01:12:24+02:00
Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

Posted 2014-08-27T01:09:19+02:00
It's not that we're afraid to lose them but afraid to lose ourselves in them.

Posted 2014-08-26T03:51:57+02:00
"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" "One second. Siri, do you know why this dick pulled me over?"

Posted 2014-08-26T03:50:01+02:00
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Comment by Anonymous

Not funny at all

Posted 2014-08-26T03:44:01+02:00
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?

Posted 2014-08-26T03:43:37+02:00
There's one energy source we'll never run out of: the anger of men under 5'7".

Posted 2014-08-26T03:40:17+02:00
I'll incorrectly string your guitar, EADGAF

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

v No, but you can tune it to F.

Comment by Anonymous

Too bad guitars don't have an F string.

Posted 2014-08-25T04:53:30+02:00
Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome


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