Posted 2014-09-16T01:16:53+02:00
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.

Posted 2014-09-16T01:00:00+02:00
I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.

Posted 2014-09-15T23:22:08+02:00
I've finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel: I feel hungry.

Posted 2014-09-15T23:19:57+02:00
Single white sock seeks same

Posted 2014-09-15T23:11:42+02:00
Not only do I believe cannabis should be legalized, it should also be forcibly administered to Congress.

Posted 2014-09-15T02:27:20+02:00
If she shaves it and you aint gettin it. Someone else is...

Posted 2014-09-15T02:26:29+02:00
I have the ability to get a song stuck in anyone's head and I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over.

Posted 2014-09-15T02:19:03+02:00
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-15T00:06:59+02:00
My cat's gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on You Tube.

Posted 2014-09-14T23:59:45+02:00
Ladies, wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Posted 2014-09-14T05:58:24+02:00
People say circumcision dosen't hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year.

Comment by Anonymous

What status posted here hasn't been posted before?

Comment by Anonymous

This is's been posted here before.

Comment by Anonymous

And you are still shitting yourself every day, poor bastard

Posted 2014-09-14T05:57:31+02:00
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-14T05:55:09+02:00
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

Posted 2014-09-14T05:54:12+02:00
Idea to improve NASCAR: Take half of the drivers and have them drive the other direction. I'd watch that shit in a heartbeat.

Posted 2014-09-14T05:44:05+02:00
A slug is just a divorced snail.

Posted 2014-09-14T05:35:51+02:00
The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-14T05:19:45+02:00
There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

Posted 2014-09-14T05:18:56+02:00
Donald Duck, saying fuck you to pants since 1934

Posted 2014-09-14T05:14:13+02:00
I don't go on a date until at least the third sex.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-14T05:13:41+02:00
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it's called "cheating."

Get a Life(1)

Total Number of Statuses:25031

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