There's only one person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with... yourself. Don't live the rest of your life with an asshole.
I go to porn sites and write in the comment section, "Why are you doin this? Your father and I are so sad. Please come home!"
I wouldn't call it a super power but I have the ability to form an opinion and then keep it to myself.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
I know karate and tons of other words.
If you don't have to work for it, you'll never appreciate it. If you don't appreciate it, you'll never work for it.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
It's ironic that cigarette breaks are OK to take but masturbation breaks at work we'll get you fired. What's worse for your health?
Sometimes I look around and really feel like Darwin let me down
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1500 times.
A lot of you lose your shit and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Carefully written, fact checked essay in the streets, unmoderated comments section in the sheets.
I'm sorry you are too busy to type the 'o' in 'ok' my liege
I just had salmon, raspberries & pinenuts for breakfast.
Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.
"Says here you have some anger issues?"
*leans in close*
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THAT SAYS
Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity.
I'm looking for the kind of guy who can help me survive the apocalypse but who may have also caused it
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody