Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The vegan paradox:
Boobie milk comes from people, and people are animals.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A investigator. Hahaha I'm so sorry. No I'm not.
Maybe Jabba was extremely thin for a Hutt, you don't know.
Personal trainer: So what's your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I'm not the one taking
Life is like a box of chocolates-I won't have one on Valentine's Day.
Chip clips are for quitters.
Shazam, but for weird accents.
Ever think Sleeping Beauty was like
"Really? I just got to the good part of the dream"
The cops knocked on my door and asked me where I was between 5 and 6....I told them kindergarten
"COME ON YOU PIECE OF CRAP" I yell at my computer, a magic box that can do anything
I was just wondering, if you're not too busy sometime, maybe I could pet your dog
[museum tour in the future] Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
For my dog's birthday I rented a school bus and drove him around with all the windows down.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I do. So that I could introduce you to our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Cop: You're free to go
A Dexter like serial killer, but for people who want to talk in the car when you're clearly trying to fucking jam.
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody