I don't think the person who invented the rules for Rock Paper Scissors understood how rocks, paper or words worked.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you're a vegetarian.
I've made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Relationships are basically an emotional game of Jenga.
One time I looked up from my phone, it was horrifying! Don't do it guys.
I'd like to thanks my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being at the side, and my fingers cause I can usually count on them.
You ever read a status, and you're like, 'what a fucking retard' and then you realize you're on your own page?
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
"I knew that..."
-Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I'm only gunna have one beer.
At a time.
Until all the beer is gone.
McMuffin isn't just a sandwich to me, its an emotion
WARNING: Objects in relationships appear happier than they are.
If you watch Beauty and the Beast backwards its about how falling in love will turn you into a monster.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what's going on and there's a lot of wine drinking.
Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?
Women are like BLAH BLAH BLAH and men are all like BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS! And eating food happens and that's relationships.
This may be the hardest anyone has ever fought to not get two billion dollars
Total Number of Statuses:24654
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody