Share

Posted 2015-05-22T07:59:01+02:00
There's only one person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with... yourself. Don't live the rest of your life with an asshole.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Live with deez nutz bitch!

Posted 2015-05-22T07:55:50+02:00
I go to porn sites and write in the comment section, "Why are you doin this? Your father and I are so sad. Please come home!"

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

👇😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Comment by Anonymous

V You have been seeing it because he puts it on the gay men porn sites.

Comment by Anonymous

I've been seeing this one for years.............

Posted 2015-05-22T07:54:36+02:00
I wouldn't call it a super power but I have the ability to form an opinion and then keep it to myself.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

I have the ability to form deez nutz in your mouth bitch!

Posted 2015-05-20T07:29:30+02:00
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

One of the drawbacks is that you have to tell everyone about it.

Posted 2015-05-20T07:29:14+02:00
I know karate and tons of other words.

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

VVVV LOL! Hey person who posted this... you forgot half of the joke.

Comment by Anonymous

You might have a chance in a battle with Obama.

Posted 2015-05-20T07:22:35+02:00
If you don't have to work for it, you'll never appreciate it. If you don't appreciate it, you'll never work for it.

Win(1)
Posted 2015-05-20T07:17:38+02:00
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-05-20T07:16:41+02:00
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-05-20T07:09:03+02:00
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Just Kidding: Kitchen Edition.

Posted 2015-05-20T07:02:38+02:00
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-05-20T02:36:35+02:00
It's ironic that cigarette breaks are OK to take but masturbation breaks at work we'll get you fired. What's worse for your health?

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

vv The first two comments were by me. *trollface*

Comment by Anonymous

will not we'll (we will)

Comment by Anonymous

I care. And the caps lock key is on the left hand side of your keyboard.

Comment by Anonymous

V HOW MANY TIMES NO ONE CARRRRESSSSSS

Comment by Anonymous

*your - that guy from Bolivar.

Posted 2015-05-20T02:24:33+02:00
Sometimes I look around and really feel like Darwin let me down

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

V Because you exist.

Comment by Anonymous

Explain why he is wrong. Please say because of a 2000 year old book.

Comment by Anonymous

Darwin was wrong.

Posted 2015-05-20T02:05:22+02:00
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1500 times.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-05-20T02:04:18+02:00
A lot of you lose your shit and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-05-20T02:03:00+02:00
Carefully written, fact checked essay in the streets, unmoderated comments section in the sheets.

-1(0)
Posted 2015-05-20T01:57:56+02:00
I'm sorry you are too busy to type the 'o' in 'ok' my liege

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

VV Are you a member of the Krispy Kreme Klub?

Comment by Anonymous

v Oh yes, and what exactly would the 'o' stand for?

Comment by Anonymous

v gosh, I love Krispy Kremes.

Posted 2015-05-19T02:42:14+02:00
I just had salmon, raspberries & pinenuts for breakfast. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

-1(0)
Posted 2015-05-19T02:39:09+02:00
[job interview] "Says here you have some anger issues?" *leans in close* I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THAT SAYS

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-05-18T22:42:02+02:00
Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Same goes for stupidity

Comment by Anonymous

Yeah, negativity doesn't have to deal with a pussy like you.

Posted 2015-05-18T22:41:15+02:00
I'm looking for the kind of guy who can help me survive the apocalypse but who may have also caused it

Fail(1)

Total Number of Statuses:26527

Status Stalker Login

Want to post a funny status? Well login isn't required but if you register and login you will have access to all the extra features status stalker has to offer.

Username:
Password:
Forgot Password?

Stalker Map

Facebook Addict Intervention Parody