I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking fucker yourself' I replied
My favorite competitive sport is never texting first.
The idea of meeting someone on a dating website is more terrifying to me than dying alone.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I'm so Canadian I say 'thanks' to automatic flush toilets
I wish life were like The Walking Dead. No boss, no shit job, no bills, being outdoors, living off the land, stabbing zombies.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.
When you're happy you enjoy music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics
After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.
My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it's what it's.
First time I ever saw "fuck me eyes" was in Lion King when Simba pins Nala during Can You Feel The Love Tonight
Be the change you want to find behind your couch.
Teenagers these days don't know what true happiness is.
That first time you log into Napster after a jump from the 28.8 to the 56k is a good starting point for the basis of my argument.
I just found $60 in my pocket. The kid in me says "buy nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "buy beer, nerf guns, and candy".
Traded in my FitBit for a LifeAlert.
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody