Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Be the YouTube comment you want to see in the world
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.
I feel like housewife has a negative stigma attached to it. Let's just call them homegirls.
Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
If I was any hungrier right now Brad & Angelina would adopt me
Finally taking my bra off after a hard day of having breasts
I like to passive-aggressively post inspirational quotes about forgiveness to people's Facebook pages who I think owe me apologies.
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.
I need you like Kanye needs Kanye.
I have an eating disorder. I'm about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Not feeling too good so I went to WebMD and entered my symptoms. I've been dead for 20 years.
I don't mean to brag but I have more food in my body than in my refrigerator
You hope I have a blessed day?
Fuck me like I ruined your credit
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.
Total Number of Statuses:25093
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody