I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I've finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel:
I feel hungry.
Single white sock seeks same
Not only do I believe cannabis should be legalized, it should also be forcibly administered to Congress.
If she shaves it and you aint gettin it. Someone else is...
I have the ability to get a song stuck in anyone's head and I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My cat's gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on You Tube.
Ladies, wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
People say circumcision dosen't hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
3.) prisoner of war beard
4.) homeless person beard
5.) wizard beard
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Idea to improve NASCAR: Take half of the drivers and have them drive the other direction. I'd watch that shit in a heartbeat.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.
There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Donald Duck, saying fuck you to pants since 1934
I don't go on a date until at least the third sex.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it's called "cheating."
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody