You don't need to be dating someone to be happy. Just bae yourself.
When I sleep less than 8 hours I'm exhausted and want to die, but when I sleep more than 8 hours I'm exhausted and want to die.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
If you're about to post song lyrics on social media, ask yourself is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down flip it 'n reverse it
MISSED CONNECTION: I was a skater boy. You said "see you later, boy." I wasn't good enough for you.
That moment when you see ya EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...
Folks next to us on the beach had a car battery powering a speaker system built into a cooler. It was like 'Merica MacGuyver
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There's No Dinosaurs In This.
Apple's patent for a smart watch was just revealed, and the big feature is phantom vibrations on your wrist even after you take it off.
Being internet famous is like being rich with Monopoly money... It might not really count but YOU STILL MAD THAT I'M WINNING.
Nothing says "I either made a typo, or I'm a rapper now" like ending your text with a "b."
Just cause someone is giving you less doesn't mean they're not giving you with all they have.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else's office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.
Some people are like Polaroids.
You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Shoutout to all the horror movies that led to sex.
I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
Gas is cheap considering you're buying liquid exploding dinosaurs.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I like to mess with dudes wearing Tapout shirts by saying "Cute top!"
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody