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Posted 2015-07-31T06:29:39+02:00
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Best thing I've read in months on here. Keep em coming

Comment by Anonymous

Idk who you are, but please post some more statuses. Thanks.

Posted 2015-07-31T06:27:48+02:00
Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking fucker yourself' I replied

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:20:15+02:00
My favorite competitive sport is never texting first.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:17:22+02:00
The idea of meeting someone on a dating website is more terrifying to me than dying alone.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:06:14+02:00
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:05:36+02:00
Haters gonna hate, your honor

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:59:40+02:00
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:47:06+02:00
I'm so Canadian I say 'thanks' to automatic flush toilets

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:45:25+02:00
I wish life were like The Walking Dead. No boss, no shit job, no bills, being outdoors, living off the land, stabbing zombies.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:43:34+02:00
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:41:02+02:00
The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:33:42+02:00
When you're happy you enjoy music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:21:55+02:00
After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:21:00+02:00
My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:17:40+02:00
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it's what it's.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:16:58+02:00
First time I ever saw "fuck me eyes" was in Lion King when Simba pins Nala during Can You Feel The Love Tonight

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:14:14+02:00
Be the change you want to find behind your couch.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-29T02:05:18+02:00
Teenagers these days don't know what true happiness is. That first time you log into Napster after a jump from the 28.8 to the 56k is a good starting point for the basis of my argument.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-27T05:14:10+02:00
I just found $60 in my pocket. The kid in me says "buy nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "buy beer, nerf guns, and candy".

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-27T05:10:42+02:00
Traded in my FitBit for a LifeAlert.

Funny(1)

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