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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they're likely to cause.
I was gonna go out today but then I sat down. Gravity's a bitch.
I have a conflict of no interest
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Today the Supreme Court foiled many gay men's plans to never have to "wife up" their significant other.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
If hearing "I love you" was enough, we'd all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
The future belongs to the kids who climb up the slide instead of using the steps.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can't wait for someone to ask me for it!
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Coke Zero is fine, but I’d really like to see Double Chocolate Milkshake with Extra Whipped Cream and Rainbow Sprinkles Zero.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I farted today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!
If cheese made you drunk, I wouldn't be able to walk right now.
Can you imagine the type of monster that eats a suggested serving size?
Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.
Sometime when I lean in and look interested in what you're saying, I'm actually just farting.
If a vegan does crossfit, which do they talk about first?
The only plates I lift have food on them.
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