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Posted 2014-11-25T04:42:40+01:00
Your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screen captured, sent to friends and ridiculed.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-11-25T04:35:34+01:00
Don't you love being the last one to find out but the first one to not give a fuck

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-11-24T23:34:23+01:00
You're not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you're an asshole.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-11-24T04:40:10+01:00
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-11-24T04:37:33+01:00
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Well the poster did admit they are too stupid to even remember the alphabet so what do you expect. The real problem is the monkeys approving the same status over and over. I wonder what the ones they reject look like.

Comment by Anonymous

we should do the same with your comment

Comment by Anonymous

I think these statuses all need to be numbered, so when these repeats pop up, we can point where the repeats are.

Posted 2014-11-24T04:35:43+01:00
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-11-24T04:14:11+01:00
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

And box of chocolates

Posted 2014-11-23T20:28:33+01:00
Take viagra for a sunburn. It won't cure it but it will keep the sheets off of your legs at night.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

V Late 90's, my bad...somebody just bumped my elbow. I'm not THAT freaking old...!

Comment by Anonymous

I remember seeing this on one of those office junk faxes in the early 90's...

Comment by Anonymous

To make it simpler, in the future lets call your comment number 1.

Comment by Anonymous

I think these statuses all need to be numbered, so when these repeats pop up, we can point where the repeats are.

Comment by Anonymous

Awesome joke in the dead of winter, Bro

Comment by Anonymous

That's what your Mom said! !

Comment by Anonymous

#JokesAsOldAsTheInternet

Posted 2014-11-21T01:54:48+01:00
Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good fucking work.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

V wtf = way to fuck?

Comment by Anonymous

Aww dad but your daughters are so good in bed.

Comment by Anonymous

you piece of garbage. anyone who thinks of my kids thaat...i would correct.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:53:10+01:00
Don't judge me, Sir. You wouldn't know I was texting and driving if your eyes were on the road. Like they're supposed to be.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-11-21T01:46:51+01:00
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-11-20T19:03:30+01:00
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

I hate that people are giving you likes.

Posted 2014-11-20T02:39:01+01:00
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

Funny(3)
Posted 2014-11-19T23:36:46+01:00
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-11-19T23:36:34+01:00
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-11-19T05:48:46+01:00
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, "You okay?"

Funny(3)
Posted 2014-11-19T05:20:34+01:00
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That's how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-11-19T05:13:52+01:00
I'll fuck a stranger but I won't even use a loved one's toothbrush.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

STD's are fun to get but who wants to get cooties from a toothbrush.

Posted 2014-11-18T16:28:54+01:00
I use a Magic 8 Ball to make most of my life decisions.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

And it shows.

Posted 2014-11-18T16:28:30+01:00
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Or Jeff Goldblum or Christopher Walken


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