Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Me as a news anchor: good evening, there’s a bunch of assholes everywhere [credits begin to roll]
How have you all not run out of Throwback Thursday pictures by now? My elementary school took more pictures of me than my parents did.
I'd be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day
Porn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos
I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
"It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am
The quality of my life has improved greatly, ever since they came out with the middle finger Emoji.
1) hang out sometimes
2) unannounced calls OK
3) pick em up from the airport
4) help them move
5) go to their improv show
I try to act nonchalant but underneath I am chalant as fuck.
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
My friends profile pictures makes it look like I'm friends with 390 toddlers.
Someday, once humans are extinct, I hope whatever species rules Earth makes chicken nuggets in the shape of us like we did for dinosaurs.
[spins in chair]
AH MR. BOND, I'VE BEEN [chair spins too far and I have to wait for it to go around again] EXPECTING YOU
Imagine a fish coming into your home wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast bc that's what snorkeling is
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you.
So you're telling me I have to follow 100's of different laws but ducks just get to walk around here like they own the fuckin place?
If a friend offers you a ticket to a concert within two hours of that concert, you’re that person’s least favorite friend.
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