Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
Nothing like an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you love someone set them free, and then follow their life without you on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for eternity
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Jail isn't supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Chad kroeger in a store, his items come to $19.95, he pays with a $20 & walks away. "sir don't you want your nickel back?" he turns and winks
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Has Missouri ever done a tourism ad with the slogan 'Missouri Loves Company?' If not, what is even the point of Missouri?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Hi I'm an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The most amazing historical event in Forrest Gump is when he got out of the friend zone with Jenny.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Wear a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accuse him of fucking Minnie until you're forcibly removed or arrested.
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