Share

Posted 2015-02-01T07:34:58+01:00
Target employees do not have prizes for you no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-01-31T06:37:08+01:00
Hibernation should be a human thing too

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-01-31T06:24:42+01:00
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

A real man makes her sleep on the couch.

Comment by Anonymous

Was this written by a 10 year old?

Posted 2015-01-30T02:37:25+01:00
There's always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go "damn, calm the fuck down!"

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-01-30T02:37:04+01:00
I would unblock you but then I'd be admitting I'd made a mistake and that's just not my thing.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-01-29T11:50:58+01:00
A threesome? No thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

And now you just disappointed the whole internet.

Posted 2015-01-28T06:01:28+01:00
In a parallel universe, the internet masturbates to you.

Funny(4)
Comment by Anonymous

In a parallel universe, you get beaten mercilessly for posting stuff like this and they broadcast it for all to see and learn from.

Posted 2015-01-28T05:57:38+01:00
Roses are red, violets are purple! They are fucking purple!

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

v Hallmark wants you.... to go kill yourself.

Comment by Anonymous

Roses are red, violets are purple. You might want to go to the Dr cuz I gave you the herple.... herpes I gave you herpes.

Posted 2015-01-28T05:56:52+01:00
So you're saying that "Mario Brothers" implies that Luigi's name is Luigi Mario and Mario's name is Mario Mario?

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

One that has been asked and answered and has no business being on a "status" page. Would be great for the "stupid question stalker" website.

Comment by Anonymous

actually yes this is True. according to the movie Starring John Leguizamo, It's Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. so yeah, this isnt funny but is a legit question.

Comment by Anonymous

So original too.

Comment by Anonymous

Childish humor, if you can even call it humor.

Posted 2015-01-28T05:50:09+01:00
I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-01-28T05:42:29+01:00
Calm the fuck down, people younger than me who have their shit together.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-01-28T05:35:05+01:00
I hate driving someone else's car cause I don't know where they put their boogers.

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-01-28T05:29:07+01:00
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

I guess google knows you like the gay stuff.

Posted 2015-01-27T03:39:56+01:00
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

yeah because that's a thing and all men love long hair. The 1940's called and they want their shitty sexist reasoning skills back.

Posted 2015-01-27T01:12:00+01:00
Maybe Jabba was extremely thin for a Hutt, you don't know.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-01-27T01:03:33+01:00
Life is like a box of chocolates-I won't have one on Valentine's Day.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-01-27T01:03:11+01:00
Chip clips are for quitters.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-01-23T05:25:11+01:00
For my dog's birthday I rented a school bus and drove him around with all the windows down.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

my dog would shit on your bus

Comment by Anonymous

Don't lie, you just took him on your short bus and they put the windows all down so you wouldn't lick them.

Posted 2015-01-23T05:07:01+01:00
A Dexter like serial killer, but for people who want to talk in the car when you're clearly trying to fucking jam.

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-01-23T05:00:58+01:00
I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

It's supposed to be: "I went to prom with my dad and came home with my mom."

Comment by Anonymous

Your dad was one 1 of about 30 guys that night who tried so you were pretty lucky.


Total Number of Statuses:14121

Status Stalker Login

Want to post a funny status? Well login isn't required but if you register and login you will have access to all the extra features status stalker has to offer.

Username:
Password:
Forgot Password?

Stalker Map

Facebook Addict Intervention Parody