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Posted 2015-04-27T06:06:02+02:00
Life is just like a penis; simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the women that make it hard.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

V someone needs a hug. such a badass.

Comment by Anonymous

V hope you choke to death on a cock fag.

Comment by Anonymous

my boyfriend makes my penis hard.

Posted 2015-04-26T00:12:27+02:00
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-04-25T22:57:09+02:00
You shouldn't be able to get married unless you've put something from Ikea together.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-04-25T03:59:48+02:00
You aren't truly good looking unless someone is using a picture of you to catfish someone else.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

V Knows what the definition of catfish is.

Comment by Anonymous

like when fat girls change to profile pic to one with the super hot best friend taking up most of the frame?

Posted 2015-04-25T03:53:33+02:00
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any dick pics

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-04-25T03:52:24+02:00
I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-04-25T03:51:50+02:00
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-04-25T03:42:58+02:00
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-04-23T04:58:17+02:00
Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Think you mean, V V

Comment by Anonymous

Isn't this about the tenth time this status has been posted here?

Comment by Anonymous

10 out of the 12 voices in my head say I'm not.

Comment by Anonymous

You must be psych-cotic.

Comment by Anonymous

I knew you were going to post this.

Posted 2015-04-23T04:55:57+02:00
Fred Astaire because Fred a like a what he sees.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

That made me actually laugh out loud!

Posted 2015-04-23T04:49:35+02:00
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-04-23T04:46:35+02:00
[Job Interview] "Do you have any questions?" How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles?

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Posting this over and over again does not make it funnier.

Posted 2015-04-23T04:46:30+02:00
Call me old fashioned but I don't think that deep inspirational quote needed your face attached to it.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-04-22T00:41:14+02:00
So let me get this straight. You'll suck a dick, but you wont drink tap water?

Funny(5)
Comment by Anonymous

you ALL are cocksuckers and pussy eaters.most of you have the HERP because of it,so who cares what kind of water u drink

Comment by Anonymous

I'm taking a Shit.

Comment by Anonymous

That's not what I heard.

Comment by Anonymous

Won't do either.

Comment by Anonymous

So let me get this straight. You'll eat pussy, but you wont drink tap water?

Comment by Anonymous

yup. what's wrong with that? ;)

Comment by Anonymous

VV It makes you a liar, cocksucker.

Comment by Anonymous

That makes you smart, fluoridated water sources are bad for your health

Comment by Anonymous

I dont suck dick, and I wont drink tap water either. What does that make me??

Posted 2015-04-21T07:09:54+02:00
I'm having a hard time believing ALL you guys fucked my mom.

Funny(4)
Comment by Anonymous

And people like him even fucked your dad too.

Comment by Anonymous

its true. We did.

Posted 2015-04-21T07:09:16+02:00
Just spent 15 mins searching for my phone in my car, using my phone as a flashlight.

Funny(4)
Comment by Anonymous

V Ijustify did.

Comment by Anonymous

V You fourm a coherent sentaunce,

Comment by Anonymous

V The only thing that could make that comment better would be to use real english words that formed a coherent sentence.

Comment by Anonymous

V Sorry, still incorrect and incisionary.. ahhsudghu my comp is so slow I might aw ell g oooo with two dots.

Comment by Anonymous

vvvvv lolololol... mao.

Comment by Anonymous

...is the new looking for my glasses while they were on my face

Comment by Anonymous

Oh how. Can u search for a phone while using it as a flashlight

Comment by Anonymous

V Thanks, but I know I never posted anything here. You must be one of the 95%.

Comment by Anonymous

V You're not one of them.

Comment by Anonymous

That proves you are smarter than 95% of the people who post statuses here.

Posted 2015-04-21T07:08:07+02:00
"Police, open the door!" "Me: What's the password"

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

And then when they haul you to prison you can reverse the roles. How fun is that?

Posted 2015-04-20T16:44:38+02:00
Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-04-20T16:42:45+02:00
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-04-18T04:50:40+02:00
Cop: any alcohol or drugs? Me: No I've got everything I need thanks

Funny(2)

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