Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
If there was an award for the dumbest fucking way to possibly do something, my boss would win all the awards ever.
Gatorade should actually make "Haterade."
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
"Your can torture and kill your own people, BUT YOU CANNOT DENY US A FRANCO/ROGEN MOVIE!!!!!" - America, according to my news feed.
Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like "what is a movie"
How much whiskey goes into cookies? I'm new to this whole baking thing.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Cop: Are you high right now?
Me: Well I was until you showed up, Buzzkill Mc.Flashlight.
That horrible feeling you get when you're not asleep anymore.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know
If cheese made you drunk, I wouldn't be able to walk right now.
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
This patience thing takes forever.
Normally you're not allowed to sneak down people's chimneys but there's a Santa clause in the law
Man: You look pretty today.
Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.
Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
What do sleeping and sex have in common?
I'm not getting nearly enough of either.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It's still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
That's a horrible idea.
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