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Posted 2014-09-02T01:25:15+02:00
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-09-02T01:24:38+02:00
The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Funny(3)
Posted 2014-09-02T00:50:41+02:00
A group of narcissists is called a timeline.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T22:45:48+02:00
I don't know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T22:04:41+02:00
Don't date someone solely based on looks. Make sure they have plenty of money and a nice car too.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-09-01T07:08:33+02:00
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T06:56:43+02:00
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T05:40:12+02:00
Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T05:29:23+02:00
If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T05:18:23+02:00
Naps are the blowjobs of sleeping

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T05:13:33+02:00
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

Funny(3)
Posted 2014-09-01T04:58:33+02:00
Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

they will gladly read you the information on the card in front of the phone you are looking at. they are great for that.

Posted 2014-08-29T17:21:17+02:00
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can't see it, but you know when you've lost it.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

u can see wi-fi.. just search for it... wat lame example.

Comment by Anonymous

His mom has loved me several times......she really good at it!!!

Comment by Anonymous

you think his mom loves him?

Comment by Anonymous

Vv Just because no one loves you besides your mom doesn't mske this status as sucky as your own life boy vV

Posted 2014-08-29T17:10:30+02:00
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-08-27T22:04:10+02:00
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don't whether it's am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.

Funny(2)
Posted 2014-08-27T22:03:51+02:00
Wedding cake... one last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

Funny(4)
Posted 2014-08-27T01:31:28+02:00
Guy: hey nice to meet you my name is Dolan. Me: sorry, but I'm absolutely not calling you that. Do you have an alternative prepared?

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Very stupid, don't quit your day job, you are not funny.

Posted 2014-08-27T01:21:43+02:00
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy

Funny(5)
Comment by Anonymous

And you can't spell either. Thanks for confirming this status is more truth than fiction.

Comment by Anonymous

I hav a nek tatoo and this post makes no cents at all, ideots!

Comment by Anonymous

12 and they likely had someone read it to them.

Comment by Anonymous

I see 10 people who read this have neck tattoos...

Posted 2014-08-27T01:20:37+02:00
There are more skeletons wearing suits beneath the ground than there are living people.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-08-27T01:19:55+02:00
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

He is probably still smarter than you.


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