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Posted 2015-07-27T05:14:10+02:00
I just found $60 in my pocket. The kid in me says "buy nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "buy beer, nerf guns, and candy".

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-26T03:12:17+02:00
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you're probably single.

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-07-26T03:12:04+02:00
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

can we please change out this guys clock for a bomb tomorrow morning and see if he is full of shit or not?

Posted 2015-07-26T03:01:35+02:00
I wish every day started out like my first day of life with a slap on the ass and a tit in the mouth.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

you'd love to have your moms tit in your mouth every day wouldn't you? freak

Comment by Anonymous

Talk to your mom, she does that for half the neighborhood already.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:29:33+02:00
I'm thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-25T04:25:15+02:00
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Just people; if you get rid of fake people even shit will taste great

Posted 2015-07-25T04:15:31+02:00
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk - what do you do with all that time you saved?

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

has a lot to do with being to lazy to spell out the whole word too.

Comment by Anonymous

It's not about saving time, it's about being too stupid to spell.

Comment by Anonymous

I direct my focus back to driving..

Comment by Anonymous

The only reasonable answer to this is "absolutely nothing"

Posted 2015-07-25T04:09:24+02:00
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Don't bother. No one would want to talk to you after getting to know you a little at work

Posted 2015-07-25T04:08:19+02:00
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!! Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days... 15 days later and I'm still black.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

this stereotypes black people as being stupid. thank you for confirming this for me.

Comment by Anonymous

And you are still just as stupid too.

Posted 2015-07-16T06:54:23+02:00
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman's home.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

I bet you have no problem eating it in a single guys home.

Posted 2015-07-16T06:53:37+02:00
Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

It doesn't actually 'destroy' short-term memory, rather temporarily impedes (and not in everyone). Studies have proven that whatever was 'lost' in short-term is eventually retained once the initial euphoria wears of. Just Say KNOW!

Posted 2015-07-16T06:47:31+02:00
I don't even care if it's a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-07-16T06:47:04+02:00
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they've been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what's really going on

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

And now it is not, that is odd.

Comment by Anonymous

now its even... and this is not just a coincidence

Comment by Anonymous

LOL... awesome irony in this post

Posted 2015-07-16T06:43:02+02:00
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-16T06:27:33+02:00
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-16T06:23:04+02:00
There's no manly way to put on chap stick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-07-16T06:21:21+02:00
Me: If you stop talking right now, I'll give you a thousand dollars. Her: Really? Me: You just couldn't fucking do it, could you?

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-07-16T06:20:23+02:00
Dyslexic guy robbing a bank :"Air in the hands , mother stickers" "This is a fuck up"!!

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

It doesn't affect your speech

Posted 2015-07-11T04:21:01+02:00
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English -dogs

Funny(5)
Comment by Anonymous

So is your mom.

Posted 2015-07-11T04:16:47+02:00
My 5 year-old is making a book titled "Things That Are Dumb" and he drew a pair of pants on the cover.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

V That is true, in your case it was your dad that serviced all the local men.

Comment by Anonymous

V just because your mommy done this does not mean everyones mom did -_^

Comment by Anonymous

He is just used to his mommy never wearing any when you are at work and she entertains other men.


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