Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Life is just like a penis; simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the women that make it hard.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
You shouldn't be able to get married unless you've put something from Ikea together.
You aren't truly good looking unless someone is using a picture of you to catfish someone else.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any dick pics
I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Fred Astaire because Fred a like a what he sees.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
"Do you have any questions?"
How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles?
Call me old fashioned but I don't think that deep inspirational quote needed your face attached to it.
So let me get this straight. You'll suck a dick, but you wont drink tap water?
I'm having a hard time believing ALL you guys fucked my mom.
Just spent 15 mins searching for my phone in my car, using my phone as a flashlight.
"Police, open the door!"
"Me: What's the password"
Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs?
Me: No I've got everything I need thanks
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