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John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was shot dead by police in downtown Los Angeles, today. He was wanted for multiple counts of identity theft.
When you're married, the "Walk of Shame" is shuffling to the hall closet with your pants around your ankles to get more toilet paper.
The stock market dropping sets back my retirement plans another 100 years
I'm really sick of underwear and responsibility
I like to fuck it up for all the other parents by letting my kids do the exact thing they are yelling at their kids to stop doing.
So who the fuck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Now to be a true rebel you have to have zero tattoos.
Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
my 'haha' is more genuine than my 'lol.'
You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you've accidentally photobombed in public
All I'm saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Text:I wanna be inside you. Reply: You were for 9 months. Sorry mom wrong number.
I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies
I'll never be happy at a job until i'm able to clock out after sliding down a dinosaur.
How to keep your girlfriend happy:
1. Treat her like your iPhone
2. Fuck her like she just broke your Xbox.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
"Welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly."
I'm 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
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