Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
Go fuck yourself is easily the most solid piece of advice that I can give you.
Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked
I want to wear the scariest costume I can think of to work for Halloween this year, so I'm going as a pregnancy test.
You can stop trying to drive me crazy.
I'm honestly close enough to walk to it from here.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to fuck you.
I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Everyone has fitness goals and I'm over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
DO YOU EVEN SHIFT BRO?
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I'm confident but not old dude in the gym changing room confident.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Calm the fuck down guy with the Ed Hardy steering wheel cover, save some pussy for the rest of us.
I want to commit the perfect murder but I'm worried it might be too late to establish a career in sports.
Everyday you're hustlin? EVERY day? Settle down Rick Ross. Everybody takes a day off here and there.
Were not going to need a 'do not disturb' sign. We're going to need a 'please don't call the police were fine' sign.
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