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Posted 2016-07-03T00:35:44-06:00
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Funny(5)
Posted 2016-06-20T21:12:06-06:00
Whenever I'm feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Funny(5)
Comment by Anonymous

You have more chins than china town because you're fat.

Posted 2016-06-20T21:07:37-06:00
As grandma used to say, "stop being a whiny little bitch and eat the fucking gluten".

Funny(5)
Posted 2016-06-20T21:06:31-06:00
My 5yo just told me I'm the meanest mom in the world so now I'm freaking out, like wtf I don't even have a speech prepared or anything.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

That's because you are the meanest mom in the world.

Posted 2016-06-20T21:02:19-06:00
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-06-20T20:59:34-06:00
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I'm trying to unlock it more than two times, I'm driving off without you.

Funny(6)
Posted 2016-06-16T18:46:49-06:00
When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

Funny(3)
Posted 2016-06-13T23:41:02-06:00
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbor's’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from IKEA.

Funny(4)
Posted 2016-06-13T23:36:44-06:00
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Funny(3)
Posted 2016-06-09T13:19:59-06:00
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex's driveway.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Ahhh Gotcha. Thanks!

Comment by Anonymous

V The auto-correct changed it to "bitch house" thus sending him to his ex's place. It's just not funny.

Comment by Anonymous

Ummmmm. What? This makes no sense.

Posted 2016-05-31T17:45:41-06:00
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-31T17:45:29-06:00
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

You should've stuck your tongue up her ass. It would have tasted better than the crap you were fixing to buy.

Posted 2016-05-31T17:44:47-06:00
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-31T17:37:54-06:00
Just checking to make sure you're still not in love with me

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

What the fuck is wrong with people? Guy's going on about sucking his father's dick. It's a website for funny statuses you god damn abortion. Talk about your family's incest problems somewhere else!

Comment by Anonymous

(three comments down) Douch nozzle? Yeah, I see why you got "dismissed."

Comment by Anonymous

VV Guy seems to have a fixation on sucking dick,specifically black dick and his father's dick. Pretty much explains it all.

Comment by Anonymous

v no,no ...dismissed.

Comment by Anonymous

And yet I am still here douch nozzle Is it only when you are off your meds you think you run the world and can dismiss people then follow up with another comment praising yourself? I am still waiting for you to post under your real name or give us an address to show how brave you are? What no? Too busy sucking dick to do anything more than post? For as bored as you always claim you are you keep coming back just like you keep coming back to sucking that big black dick you crave ever since your real father gave you his. Put up or shut up you obnoxious father fucker.

Comment by Anonymous

VV Damn, boy got "dismissed." That's some shit there!

Comment by Anonymous

Nah, you're too much of a fucking pussy. You'd have shriveled up in the corner stroking your pathetic little dick. I'm bored with your weak shit, you're dismissed.

Comment by Anonymous

V If you were my parent I would have killed you slowly years ago and pissed on your shallow grave every year on the anniversary.

Comment by Anonymous

V If I was your parent I'd wanna be dead too.

Comment by Anonymous

Mine has been dead for years. How many times must you be told that? You need to stop digging her up and pay a live girl for a change.

Comment by Anonymous

V Yours didn't! She still takes the cock like a champ.

Comment by Anonymous

No one is. Even your mom stopped years ago.

Posted 2016-05-30T16:31:44-06:00
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

Funny(4)
Comment by Anonymous

Holy shit is that unfunny.

Posted 2016-05-30T16:30:36-06:00
When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like goddamned savages.

Funny(3)
Posted 2016-05-30T16:17:48-06:00
If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA

Funny(4)
Posted 2016-05-30T16:15:13-06:00
Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around.

Funny(4)
Comment by Anonymous

v ugly dude calling a chick ugly.

Comment by Anonymous

vvv - ugly chick

Posted 2016-05-30T16:10:37-06:00
Probably the coolest part about elections is being scared all of the time

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-30T16:05:27-06:00
Were Timon and Pumbaa the first interracial gay couple in a Disney film?

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

YES, YES, OMG YES


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