Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I've found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Do the world a favor: seek medical attention to have whatever has burrowed up your ass safely removed. Also, recycle.
Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?
I probably shouldn't have the word "amazeballs" on my resume, but I don't know a better word to describe my ping-pong prowess.
I don't mean to big-talk, but I have a very big vocabulary. Sooo big. And when I say big, I mean lots and lots of words. Big fucking words.
Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your atm pin.
People only write "Congrats!" because they can't spell "Congratulations"
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I'll get it together eventually but it won't ever feel quite right
Someone just named their son Kale. Probably a baby Quinoa too.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
Go fuck yourself is easily the most solid piece of advice that I can give you.
Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked
I want to wear the scariest costume I can think of to work for Halloween this year, so I'm going as a pregnancy test.
You can stop trying to drive me crazy.
I'm honestly close enough to walk to it from here.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to fuck you.
I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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