Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, "You okay?"
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.
The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"?
That's how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I'll fuck a stranger but I won't even use a loved one's toothbrush.
Best of luck explaining why you're still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn't.
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.
Before you complain about your life, remember: somewhere today, two parents are having to ponder Charles Manson as their future son-in-law.
If Charles Manson can get a girlfriend then so can you.
Charles Manson can marry a person but I can't legally adopt my cat as my son wtf
Well, well, well, if it isn't the guy whose name I don't remember.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I met a 5 year old named Hennessy today. What a time to be alive.
I hope I'm never dad enough to have a cell phone holster.
I write "Just the" on the tip line of my restaurant receipts because I'm an adult.
No Sex November is going great so far
Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes
My anaconda don't want none unless you speak parseltongue
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