Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I just found $60 in my pocket. The kid in me says "buy nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "buy beer, nerf guns, and candy".
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone.
Dinner in bed means you're probably single.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I wish every day started out like my first day of life with a slap on the ass and a tit in the mouth.
I'm thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk - what do you do with all that time you saved?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!! Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days... 15 days later and I'm still black.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman's home.
Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?
I don't even care if it's a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they've been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what's really going on
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
There's no manly way to put on chap stick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.
Me: If you stop talking right now, I'll give you a thousand dollars.
Me: You just couldn't fucking do it, could you?
Dyslexic guy robbing a bank :"Air in the hands , mother stickers"
"This is a fuck up"!!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English -dogs
My 5 year-old is making a book titled "Things That Are Dumb" and he drew a pair of pants on the cover.
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