Posted 2016-05-26T19:03:31-06:00
Me as a news anchor: good evening, there’s a bunch of assholes everywhere [credits begin to roll]

Posted 2016-05-26T19:00:20-06:00
How have you all not run out of Throwback Thursday pictures by now? My elementary school took more pictures of me than my parents did.

Posted 2016-05-24T15:15:42-06:00
I'd be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now

Comment by Anonymous

Stupid, yes. Google corrects spelling!

Posted 2016-05-24T15:04:17-06:00
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

Comment by Anonymous

You would if you were rich.

Posted 2016-05-24T15:01:21-06:00
Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day

Posted 2016-05-24T14:58:16-06:00
Porn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

Comment by Anonymous

That's because her other BF's cock is bigger than yours so she has no need of you other than to hand her shampoo.

Posted 2016-05-24T14:51:25-06:00
I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

Posted 2016-05-23T13:51:04-06:00
"It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am

Posted 2016-05-19T18:23:06-06:00
The quality of my life has improved greatly, ever since they came out with the middle finger Emoji.

Posted 2016-05-18T19:05:10-06:00
FRIENDSHIP LEVELS: 1) hang out sometimes 2) unannounced calls OK 3) pick em up from the airport 4) help them move 5) go to their improv show

Posted 2016-05-16T18:24:08-06:00
I try to act nonchalant but underneath I am chalant as fuck.

Posted 2016-05-16T18:10:39-06:00
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

Posted 2016-05-13T16:40:56-06:00
My friends profile pictures makes it look like I'm friends with 390 toddlers.

Comment by Anonymous

So now i deleted the majority of 'em and have 90 now

Posted 2016-05-13T16:38:40-06:00
Someday, once humans are extinct, I hope whatever species rules Earth makes chicken nuggets in the shape of us like we did for dinosaurs.

Comment by Anonymous

Unless it's the chickens.. Because that'd be just creepy

Posted 2016-05-13T16:34:18-06:00
[spins in chair] AH MR. BOND, I'VE BEEN [chair spins too far and I have to wait for it to go around again] EXPECTING YOU

Posted 2016-05-13T16:32:03-06:00
Imagine a fish coming into your home wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast bc that's what snorkeling is

Posted 2016-05-13T16:30:42-06:00
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job

Posted 2016-05-12T19:12:47-06:00
I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you.

Posted 2016-05-12T19:11:41-06:00
So you're telling me I have to follow 100's of different laws but ducks just get to walk around here like they own the fuckin place?

Posted 2016-05-12T18:51:38-06:00
If a friend offers you a ticket to a concert within two hours of that concert, you’re that person’s least favorite friend.


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