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Posted 2013-05-22T18:48:12+02:00
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer just read some of your Tumblr's and she wants her billion dollars back.

Funny(1)
Posted 2013-05-22T18:34:54+02:00
Somewhere in America, the 2040 President of the United States just took a selfie.

Funny(1)
Posted 2013-05-22T06:19:35+02:00
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!

Funny(3)
Posted 2013-05-22T06:18:52+02:00
Look, it's not you.... Its DiGiorno

Funny(2)
Posted 2013-05-22T06:18:06+02:00
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was "reduced fat" so basically it was like going to the gym.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

You just masturbated to the Teletubbies. So basically, it was like child pornography.

Posted 2013-05-22T03:06:17+02:00
I'm in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...

Funny(3)
Posted 2013-05-21T21:20:06+02:00
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Assholes

Funny(5)
Posted 2013-05-21T20:13:19+02:00
Be more spontaneous, combust.

Funny(2)
Posted 2013-05-21T19:58:20+02:00
This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

Funny(3)
Posted 2013-05-21T19:29:29+02:00
FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

Funny(1)
Posted 2013-05-21T18:23:24+02:00
I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together

Funny(1)
Posted 2013-05-21T17:20:24+02:00
The cornerstone of my exercise program is diddly squats.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

v Wow...that was soooooo funny, douche bag.

Comment by Anonymous

VV stop talking about yourself.

Comment by Anonymous

Old!! And stupid.

Posted 2013-05-21T02:20:23+02:00
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

v Glad you picked up on it. : )

Comment by Anonymous

>Wow! Do they ever text back and say, "Omfg, you are so fuckin' funny! Can I suck your dick?" I sense sarcasm. Very, very subtle sarcasm.

Comment by Anonymous

What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm??

Comment by Anonymous

Wow! Do they ever text back and say, "Omfg, you are so fuckin' funny! Can I suck your dick?"

Posted 2013-05-21T02:17:37+02:00
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Nope no body likes YOU

Posted 2013-05-21T02:05:29+02:00
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

The original enzyte commercial was shown during the superbowl -

Comment by Anonymous

That's what she said!

Comment by Anonymous

I want a big penis :(

Comment by Anonymous

Nope. The religous right would be up in arms.

Posted 2013-05-20T23:42:36+02:00
Probably the most important lesson I learned as a kid was that three-horns never play with long-necks.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA <3 THIS

Posted 2013-05-20T17:32:35+02:00
Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

so stupid its hilarious. lol

Posted 2013-05-20T17:32:19+02:00
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

Funny(2)
Posted 2013-05-18T01:51:00+02:00
Opinions are like assholes - they're offered up more freely when people are drunk.

Funny(4)
Comment by Anonymous

I'm guessing you are a butt slut? 8==> (0)

Posted 2013-05-18T01:43:37+02:00
Thank you Chinese restaurant placemats for allowing me to inform countless dinner dates that I was born in the Year of the Cock.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Me too! Never works the way I hope.


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