Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A group of narcissists is called a timeline.
I don't know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Don't date someone solely based on looks. Make sure they have plenty of money and a nice car too.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
If everyday is a gift then today was socks.
Naps are the blowjobs of sleeping
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can't see it, but you know when you've lost it.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don't whether it's am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Wedding cake... one last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.
Guy: hey nice to meet you my name is Dolan.
Me: sorry, but I'm absolutely not calling you that. Do you have an alternative prepared?
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy
There are more skeletons wearing suits beneath the ground than there are living people.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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