Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
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Don't you love being the last one to find out but the first one to not give a fuck
You're not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you're an asshole.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Take viagra for a sunburn. It won't cure it but it will keep the sheets off of your legs at night.
Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good fucking work.
Don't judge me, Sir. You wouldn't know I was texting and driving if your eyes were on the road. Like they're supposed to be.
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, "You okay?"
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"?
That's how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I'll fuck a stranger but I won't even use a loved one's toothbrush.
I use a Magic 8 Ball to make most of my life decisions.
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.
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