Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
If you love something, feed it so much that it get's too fat for anyone else to want.
Movie idea: Freaky Friday2015: Your LinkedIn profile and your Tinder profile accidentally switch places.
17 year old Kylie Jenner just bought herself a 2.7 million dollar house Anyway...I'm off to Coin Star to see if I can pay rent this month
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Ironically the only way I'd watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? "Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my selfies."
Washington is on the $1 bill because he was the 1st president. Ben Franklin is on the $100 because he was a baller that went to sex parties
Bowser is a job creator and the largest employer in the mushroom kingdom
Male or female, no one fucks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Do the children of porn stars make tapes of themselves working in a cubical to get back at their parents?
Stop. Collabarate. And listen. Vanialla Ice just stole your kitchen.
Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.
Phone autocorrected 'finger' to 'fist.' Drastically changed the tone of that sext.
YOU KNEW HOW I CHEWED WHEN YOU MARRIED ME
I'm about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
I celebrate President's Day by doing something that looks like a good idea and then regretting it for the next 4 years
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