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Posted 2015-08-29T02:59:22+02:00
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was shot dead by police in downtown Los Angeles, today. He was wanted for multiple counts of identity theft.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-25T06:25:28+02:00
When you're married, the "Walk of Shame" is shuffling to the hall closet with your pants around your ankles to get more toilet paper.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-25T06:22:40+02:00
The stock market dropping sets back my retirement plans another 100 years

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Comment by Anonymous

Can't act like an adult can you? ⤵

Comment by Anonymous

Only if you were stupid and sold when it was down.

Posted 2015-08-25T06:14:40+02:00
I'm really sick of underwear and responsibility

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-08-25T05:51:37+02:00
I like to fuck it up for all the other parents by letting my kids do the exact thing they are yelling at their kids to stop doing.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-25T05:51:30+02:00
So who the fuck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

If you are using anything higher than your cars owners manual calls for you are wasting your money.Pretty simple really.

Comment by Anonymous

Many more than buy the high grade. Your desperate attempt at humor is pathetic and downright stupid.

Comment by Anonymous

It is a must for some motorcycles

Comment by Anonymous

I do. Betterbfir the car and helps keep the tank clean and get better mpgs

Posted 2015-08-25T05:50:47+02:00
Now to be a true rebel you have to have zero tattoos.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-08-25T05:49:21+02:00
Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-25T05:46:43+02:00
my 'haha' is more genuine than my 'lol.'

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-25T05:35:41+02:00
You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

That's because they all run for elected offices.

Posted 2015-08-25T05:35:17+02:00
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you've accidentally photobombed in public

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-24T03:42:59+02:00
All I'm saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-08-24T03:40:52+02:00
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-08-24T03:31:57+02:00
Text:I wanna be inside you. Reply: You were for 9 months. Sorry mom wrong number.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-08-18T03:58:07+02:00
I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-08-18T03:55:34+02:00
I'll never be happy at a job until i'm able to clock out after sliding down a dinosaur.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You could just go hang yourself now and save your family lots of future disappointment.

Posted 2015-08-18T03:53:24+02:00
How to keep your girlfriend happy: 1. Treat her like your iPhone 2. Fuck her like she just broke your Xbox.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Lmfaoooooooooo vvvvvv

Comment by Anonymous

How to keep everyone on StatusStalker happy: 1. Treat this page like you never go on it. 2. Fuck everything and just leave StatusStalker.

Posted 2015-08-18T03:52:46+02:00
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-08-18T03:48:38+02:00
"Welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly."

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-08-05T15:51:42+02:00
I'm 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You are 0-9 or higher for many things in life including posting funny statuses.


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