Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer just read some of your Tumblr's and she wants her billion dollars back.
Somewhere in America, the 2040 President of the United States just took a selfie.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Look, it's not you.... Its DiGiorno
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was "reduced fat" so basically it was like going to the gym.
I'm in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Be more spontaneous, combust.
This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."
FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.
I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together
The cornerstone of my exercise program is diddly squats.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!
Probably the most important lesson I learned as a kid was that three-horns never play with long-necks.
Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Opinions are like assholes - they're offered up more freely when people are drunk.
Thank you Chinese restaurant placemats for allowing me to inform countless dinner dates that I was born in the Year of the Cock.
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