Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your underpants.
No matter what you do, you haven't truly made it until a government helicopter lands on your lawn and they need your expertise immediately.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Can't understand how those quotes are related to the pictures that girls post these days
Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet.
3. Say yes.
How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just compliment it, then get angry when it won't screw.
My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it's oatmeal raisin.
You ever lied so much on a resume, you're actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?
As a kid, during the pledge of allegiance, I often wondered why it was a good thing to be invisible, with liver, tea and justice for all.
I completely understand why people who always like to be right hate facts.
Dubstep is the rhythm Gloria Estefan was trying to warn us about.
When a woman says "I have my reasons".
What she really means is "I don't need a reason I'm a woman".
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it's because they fertilize it with bull shit right?
Owning dogs has taught me a lot about men. Always praise them for the good, lock them outside for the bad & hide all the pills in cheese.
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody