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Posted 2013-05-24T00:16:00+02:00
If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

Get a Life(1)
5101
Comment by Anonymous

WTF stop letting re-posts from a month ago on here!! Bastards

Posted 2013-05-24T00:04:24+02:00
If I'm ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza delivery.

Get a Life(1)
4122
Comment by Anonymous

Actually I'd call Rihanna to come and let me bury my face between her perfect ass cheeks and lick her perfect butthole for a few hours

Comment by Anonymous

I'd use it to call 1-800-we-are-18

Posted 2013-05-24T00:03:39+02:00
Having nachos without cheese is like sex without an orgasm.

Funny(1)
395
Comment by Anonymous

Exactly, it's not nachos without cheese! Just chips

Comment by Anonymous

exactly, it aint nachos ifs just chips....post this status up guys if you want your friends to think youre an idiot

Comment by Anonymous

Ha ha, at last commenter, I was totally thinking the same thing....

Comment by Anonymous

Having nachos without cheese is like you know, chips.

Comment by Anonymous

Still good, but not the best.

Posted 2013-05-24T00:00:11+02:00
I'm not saying you're a slut, I'm just surprised Facebook hasn't made your vagina a check in place yet.

Funny(2)
3132
Comment by Anonymous

It would be nice if they wouldnt let re-tarded comments on here

Comment by Anonymous

WTF stop letting re-posts from a month ago on here!! Bastards

Posted 2013-05-23T23:57:46+02:00
Either my Spidey senses are tingling or my butt fell asleep again.

Funny(2)
1050
Posted 2013-05-23T23:41:09+02:00
You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

Funny(1)
3710
Posted 2013-05-23T23:39:56+02:00
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn't recognize Cinderella without her shoe.

-1(0)
840
Posted 2013-05-23T23:23:16+02:00
My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.

Funny(1)
1210
Posted 2013-05-23T23:07:05+02:00
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.

Get a Life(1)
3110
Posted 2013-05-23T23:00:08+02:00
My stomach is making noises like Ke$ha is recording her next track in there.

-1(0)
620
Posted 2013-05-23T22:53:17+02:00
I got my freak on and now I don't know how to turn it off.

-1(0)
840
Posted 2013-05-23T20:29:48+02:00
I have 3 moods: 1. skips every song on my ipod 2. lets the music play without interruption 3.plays the same song on repeat for days

Funny(1)
10110
Posted 2013-05-23T20:28:43+02:00
It's refreshing that after years of scraping by with just millions of dollars, struggling musicians like Paris Hilton can get record deals.

Win(1)
1040
Posted by Rollincool 2013-05-23T19:02:05+02:00
I sometimes have to change the words i use in my statuses due to my lack of vocabu...vocbula...words and spelling abilit..abli...skills!

Funny(1)
690
Posted 2013-05-23T13:33:15+02:00
I only woke up because I smelled bacon. There was NO bacon. Guess Biggie was right, it was all a dream.

Funny(1)
1150
Posted 2013-05-23T03:56:39+02:00
I didn't want to go to work today. I just want to sit in a bathtub full of warm mac n cheese, thats my happy place.

-1(0)
5170
Posted 2013-05-22T20:46:09+02:00
Sleeping TOO well lately? Fixable! Get 1000% terrified in no time! Just click Gmail's audio CAPTCHA (audio symbol) http://bit.ly/ScaK8

Get a Life(10)
3757
Comment by Anonymous

Vv it does suck. And clearly they stopped screening. And I want to teach you a lesson you'll never forget. With your asshole. vv

Comment by Anonymous

Omg i'm going to kill myself because status stalker sucks now..... BooHoo Bitches... Boo..Hoo...

Comment by Anonymous

Their standards? :/

Comment by Anonymous

I guess you guys stopped screening what's posted here..

Comment by Anonymous

What?

Comment by Anonymous

Are their no standards?

Comment by Anonymous

How the fuck did this get posted here? I've contributed plenty of stuff here, only half as bad that hasn't gotten thru.

Posted 2013-05-22T20:41:12+02:00
I'm not saying I'm poor, but I have my credit card Large Purchase Alert set at $5.

Funny(1)
7110
Posted 2013-05-22T19:47:03+02:00
Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.

Funny(2)
17135
Comment by Anonymous

This is from Twitter.

Comment by Anonymous

Vv your momma, bitch vv

Comment by Anonymous

Who the fuck is Christopher Walken!?!

Comment by Anonymous

u should know dahhhhhhhhhhh good comeback

Comment by Anonymous

You shouldd know

Posted 2013-05-22T18:48:12+02:00
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer just read some of your Tumblr's and she wants her billion dollars back.

Get a Life(2)
8100
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