Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
If I'm ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza delivery.
Having nachos without cheese is like sex without an orgasm.
I'm not saying you're a slut, I'm just surprised Facebook hasn't made your vagina a check in place yet.
Either my Spidey senses are tingling or my butt fell asleep again.
You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn't recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
My stomach is making noises like Ke$ha is recording her next track in there.
I got my freak on and now I don't know how to turn it off.
I have 3 moods:
1. skips every song on my ipod 2. lets the music play without interruption 3.plays the same song on repeat for days
It's refreshing that after years of scraping by with just millions of dollars, struggling musicians like Paris Hilton can get record deals.
I sometimes have to change the words i use in my statuses due to my lack of vocabu...vocbula...words and spelling abilit..abli...skills!
I only woke up because I smelled bacon. There was NO bacon. Guess Biggie was right, it was all a dream.
I didn't want to go to work today. I just want to sit in a bathtub full of warm mac n cheese, thats my happy place.
Sleeping TOO well lately? Fixable! Get 1000% terrified in no time! Just click Gmail's audio CAPTCHA (audio symbol) http://bit.ly/ScaK8
I'm not saying I'm poor, but I have my credit card Large Purchase Alert set at $5.
Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer just read some of your Tumblr's and she wants her billion dollars back.
Total Number of Statuses:20463
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