Posted 2014-11-23T20:28:33+01:00
Take viagra for a sunburn. It won't cure it but it will keep the sheets off of your legs at night.

Comment by Anonymous

Awesome joke in the dead of winter, Bro

Comment by Anonymous

That's what your Mom said! !

Comment by Anonymous


Posted 2014-11-21T01:56:40+01:00
Being a male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:54:48+01:00
Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good fucking work.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:53:10+01:00
Don't judge me, Sir. You wouldn't know I was texting and driving if your eyes were on the road. Like they're supposed to be.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:46:51+01:00
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:46:34+01:00
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

Posted 2014-11-20T19:03:30+01:00
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?

Comment by Anonymous

I hate that people are giving you likes.

Posted 2014-11-20T04:16:49+01:00
That awkward moment when someone else on your friends list uses status stalker and steals all the good status's before you have the chance to.

Comment by Anonymous

The guy on my friends list posts like 5 in a row. Slow down bro spread the love

Comment by Anonymous

I hope this chick below me isn't my facebook friend. -J

Comment by Anonymous

I always have to check this one guy's profile first cuz we have posted the same SS before

Posted 2014-11-20T02:39:01+01:00
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

Posted 2014-11-19T23:36:46+01:00
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?

Posted 2014-11-19T23:36:34+01:00
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH

Posted 2014-11-19T05:48:46+01:00
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, "You okay?"

Posted 2014-11-19T05:34:15+01:00
I'm happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:30:09+01:00
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat tacos.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:27:32+01:00
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:22:20+01:00
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

Posted 2014-11-19T05:20:34+01:00
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That's how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:19:22+01:00
We're all gonna die. How are you gonna live?

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-11-19T05:14:32+01:00
So a murderer, cocaine addict, and a few annoying guys walk into a bar...and espn hires them and they talk about domestic violence.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:13:52+01:00
I'll fuck a stranger but I won't even use a loved one's toothbrush.

Comment by Anonymous

STD's are fun to get but who wants to get cooties from a toothbrush.

Total Number of Statuses:25577

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