Posted 2015-07-26T03:12:17+02:00
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you're probably single.

Posted 2015-07-26T03:12:04+02:00
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-07-26T03:01:35+02:00
I wish every day started out like my first day of life with a slap on the ass and a tit in the mouth.

Comment by Anonymous

Talk to your mom, she does that for half the neighborhood already.

Posted 2015-07-26T03:01:19+02:00
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Posted 2015-07-25T05:17:07+02:00
Ashley Madison getting hacked is the worst thing to happen to cheaters & best thing to happen to 1800flowers in a long time.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Don't forget about the divorce lawyers too.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:44:57+02:00
The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd is the day we find out who his true fans are.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:44:28+02:00
If you're having second thoughts, you're 2 ahead of most people.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-07-25T04:43:54+02:00
What's the difference between the U.S. Government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:29:33+02:00
I'm thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:28:34+02:00
But would you walk over Legos for me?

Posted 2015-07-25T04:25:40+02:00
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:25:15+02:00
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:20:43+02:00
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?

Posted 2015-07-25T04:20:33+02:00
Big boobs don't make women stupid they make men stupid.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:18:24+02:00
Sometimes you're the bath. Sometimes you're the toaster.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-07-25T04:15:31+02:00
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk - what do you do with all that time you saved?

Comment by Anonymous

has a lot to do with being to lazy to spell out the whole word too.

Comment by Anonymous

It's not about saving time, it's about being too stupid to spell.

Comment by Anonymous

I direct my focus back to driving..

Comment by Anonymous

The only reasonable answer to this is "absolutely nothing"

Posted 2015-07-25T04:14:59+02:00
If I had a dollar for every time I've pretended to be happy, I might be happy

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-07-25T04:09:24+02:00
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.

Posted 2015-07-25T04:08:19+02:00
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!! Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days... 15 days later and I'm still black.

Comment by Anonymous

And you are still just as stupid too.

Posted 2015-07-20T21:35:47+02:00
The Ashley Madison website was hacked. Their CEO says it was "Just the one time" and "I SWEAR IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING"


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