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Clapping is basically high-fiving yourself repeatedly for someone else's accomplishments.
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Please be patient...I'm fucking things up as fast as I can.
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Posted
2013-05-20T17:32:35+02:00
Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.
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Posted
2013-05-20T17:32:19+02:00
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
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Posted
2013-05-20T17:16:37+02:00
It's not gay if it's for a Klondike bar.
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Posted
2013-05-20T17:15:11+02:00
A woman's I'll be ready in 5 minutes is the same as a man's we'll leave right after this beer.
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Posted
2013-05-20T15:44:45+02:00
I am dragging butt so bad this morning, my butt cheeks have carpet burns.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:51:00+02:00
Opinions are like assholes - they're offered up more freely when people are drunk.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:43:37+02:00
Thank you Chinese restaurant placemats for allowing me to inform countless dinner dates that I was born in the Year of the Cock.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:40:50+02:00
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:38:46+02:00
I have a very short attention spaniards are sometimes named Inigo Montoya.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:37:47+02:00
If eating burritos in your car was a sport, I'd be Muhammad Tiger Montana Federer Gretzky Jordan.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:35:17+02:00
Whatever doesn't kill me makes my drinks stronger.
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:32:57+02:00
Thinking about nicknaming my penis "math" just so I can say things like "%u0153math is hard" or "you do the math."
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:30:53+02:00
Kobe Bryant is suing his mom for selling some of his memorabilia without his consent. Getting consent is VERY important to Kobe (now).
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Posted
2013-05-18T01:27:52+02:00
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
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Posted
2013-05-18T00:12:19+02:00
Is there a term called 'heterophobia' for people who are against homophobes?
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Posted
2013-05-17T23:46:05+02:00
Say F and G in Spanish. Now, how does that sound?
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Posted
2013-05-17T23:41:12+02:00
Stupid people who can take a joke make just as much sense as criminals who obey the law.
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Posted
2013-05-17T20:54:45+02:00
I think there should be a rule; If we meet in person and you do NOT look like your profile pic, you should be required to buy me drinks until you DO!
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