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Posted 2016-05-26T19:07:45-06:00
Millennial fairy tales: Snow White & the 💯 dwarfs, Beauty and the fleek, Goldie Bae & the bear fam, & Lit af in wonderland.

Epic(1)
Posted 2016-05-26T19:03:31-06:00
Me as a news anchor: good evening, there’s a bunch of assholes everywhere [credits begin to roll]

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-26T19:00:20-06:00
How have you all not run out of Throwback Thursday pictures by now? My elementary school took more pictures of me than my parents did.

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-26T18:55:48-06:00
18 is TOO young to get married! You can't even buy booze at 18! If you can't buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Epic(1)
Posted 2016-05-24T15:15:42-06:00
I'd be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Stupid, yes. Google corrects spelling!

Posted 2016-05-24T15:04:17-06:00
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You would if you were rich.

Posted 2016-05-24T15:01:21-06:00
Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-24T14:58:16-06:00
Porn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

That's because her other BF's cock is bigger than yours so she has no need of you other than to hand her shampoo.

Posted 2016-05-24T14:52:01-06:00
With all the money trump has he could've been batman. he literally could've been batman and he gave it up to be...whatever he is

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

He is beating bitchwoman but even her sidekick robbin is too.

Comment by Anonymous

He is a bitchman.What about that

Comment by Anonymous

A cowardly douchebag?

Posted 2016-05-24T14:51:25-06:00
I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-23T13:51:04-06:00
"It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-19T18:23:06-06:00
The quality of my life has improved greatly, ever since they came out with the middle finger Emoji.

Funny(3)
Posted 2016-05-18T19:31:32-06:00
My dick is so big it wears its t-shirt in the pool.

Fail(2)
Posted 2016-05-18T19:21:27-06:00
I've been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-05-18T19:05:10-06:00
FRIENDSHIP LEVELS: 1) hang out sometimes 2) unannounced calls OK 3) pick em up from the airport 4) help them move 5) go to their improv show

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-18T14:08:50-06:00
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Wow, someone just go their ass handed to them!

Comment by Anonymous

V Better to be unfunny than a gutless little coward. Get your filthy whore mother off the streets and tell her to wash that rancid pussy of hers. LOL, dismissed!

Comment by Anonymous

He look, a retarded nigger trying to be funny. Go hang yourself.

Comment by Anonymous

V Wow, that actually made the original joke seem funny by comparison.

Comment by Anonymous

You really can't get any time back no matter how well or bad it was spent. Even now you have just wasted 30 more seconds of your oh so valuable life reading this comment. What? You say you don't believe me? Read it again and then you will see I'm right.

Comment by Anonymous

That's 30 seconds of my life....that I will never get back.

Comment by Anonymous

Very old story

Comment by Anonymous

That's a long way to go to not be funny.

Posted 2016-05-16T18:24:08-06:00
I try to act nonchalant but underneath I am chalant as fuck.

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-16T18:18:30-06:00
Being complex means you're interesting. Being complicated means you're an asshole.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-05-16T18:17:42-06:00
Sorry I'm late to work but, my alarm didn't ring. I didn't set it, because I didn't want to come.

Fail(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You probably suck as much at your job as you do at life so I bet you weren't even missed.

Posted 2016-05-16T18:16:10-06:00
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Get a Life(1)

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