Posted 2014-10-24T22:08:46+02:00
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I'll get it together eventually but it won't ever feel quite right

Posted 2014-10-24T18:59:31+02:00
A head full of fears has no place for dreams

Posted 2014-10-24T18:58:14+02:00
Someone just named their son Kale. Probably a baby Quinoa too.

Posted 2014-10-24T18:57:27+02:00
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:57:24+02:00
The instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:55:22+02:00
Go fuck yourself is easily the most solid piece of advice that I can give you.

Comment by Anonymous

Fucking your mom is so much more fun though. bastard

Posted 2014-10-24T05:54:09+02:00
It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

Comment by Anonymous

The wife is the one who looks more like a man.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:53:46+02:00
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:49:29+02:00
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a blowjob each time you act crazy, he'll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.

Comment by Anonymous

I bet you a dollar to a hundred that all the thumbs down are women!!!! Baaaaahahahaha!!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Best advice EVER!!!!

Posted 2014-10-24T05:47:02+02:00
Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked

Comment by Anonymous

This joke is a fossil.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:36:15+02:00
My legs are so white they just baked a batch of kale chips.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:32:54+02:00
Isn't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

made up allergy to sell more product and only proves that society has gotten dumber and dumber...

Posted 2014-10-24T05:26:59+02:00
I'm not mad that the Ebola guy went to the Highline, jogged 3 miles, and bowled w/ friends. I'm jealous that he leads a more fulfilling life

Posted 2014-10-24T05:25:32+02:00
Relationships are like health insurance: all your preexisting conditions start coming out AFTER you've been approved

Posted 2014-10-24T05:18:03+02:00
Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

Posted 2014-10-23T18:22:30+02:00
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Posted 2014-10-23T01:38:41+02:00
How many bad decisions are you gonna make until I become one?

Posted 2014-10-23T01:35:02+02:00
In my defense your honor, he said prolly.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:32:43+02:00
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

Comment by Anonymous

That's actually not true. All girls want bad boys and then only want nice boys after they've been shit on 50 times. Therefore the nice boys get damaged goods

Posted 2014-10-23T01:29:46+02:00
First the mixed tapes disappear and now it seems women don't appreciate dick pics. It's like we have no more romantic weapons left.


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