Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone.
Dinner in bed means you're probably single.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I wish every day started out like my first day of life with a slap on the ass and a tit in the mouth.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Ashley Madison getting hacked is the worst thing to happen to cheaters & best thing to happen to 1800flowers in a long time.
The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd is the day we find out who his true fans are.
If you're having second thoughts, you're 2 ahead of most people.
What's the difference between the U.S. Government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
I'm thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
But would you walk over Legos for me?
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Big boobs don't make women stupid they make men stupid.
Sometimes you're the bath.
Sometimes you're the toaster.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk - what do you do with all that time you saved?
If I had a dollar for every time I've pretended to be happy,
I might be happy
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!! Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days... 15 days later and I'm still black.
The Ashley Madison website was hacked. Their CEO says it was "Just the one time" and "I SWEAR IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING"
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