Posted 2015-05-29T03:54:08+02:00
I'm so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:48:47+02:00
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"

Posted 2015-05-29T03:45:10+02:00
In dog beers I've only had 2.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:42:29+02:00
The problem with drinking with people from work is they're the ones I bitch about when I'm drunk.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:38:15+02:00
I'm starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:36:49+02:00
Ugh why did God have to make me an atheist?

Posted 2015-05-29T03:30:50+02:00
Monday is like being out of skips when Ke$ha comes on Pandora Radio.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:30:09+02:00
Overheard a woman say "she just hate me, cause she ain't me. Ya feel me?" We feel you, girl. We feel you.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:28:16+02:00
I feel like A&E and MTV are in a secret competition to see who can discover the worst human being alive.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:24:06+02:00
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:21:12+02:00
There comes in everyone's life the horrifying realization that you are now the adult who has to take care of things.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:20:43+02:00
Vegan Cookbooks are actually just a list of all the different ways to tell people you're a vegan.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:19:26+02:00
I am not sorry for what I said! I am, however, sorry for not being sorry.

Posted 2015-05-29T03:18:20+02:00
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.

Posted 2015-05-27T21:37:50+02:00
My ego: "impossible", my experience: "risky", my reason: "pointless", my heart: "maybe", my penis "go for it" This happens every time I see a pretty girl.

Comment by Anonymous

When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts

Comment by Anonymous

Stop being a pussy. Stop worrying abt the result. Just go and talk to her. Rejection will NEVER hurt for as long as regret.

Comment by Anonymous

Better just stick to the guys.

Posted 2015-05-27T08:43:45+02:00
Sorry, I can't delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one.

Comment by Anonymous

I love assholes like you who pretend that anyone wants to talk to them. Newsflash: no one is calling you.

Posted 2015-05-26T08:01:36+02:00
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they're leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.

Comment by Anonymous

coworker is one word because co is not a word it's an element

Comment by Anonymous

Stop being such a self important whiny bitch and maybe they will actually talk to you instead of trying to make you fat.

Posted 2015-05-26T07:53:14+02:00
Accidentally downloaded the clean version of a song and now my day is ruined.

Comment by Anonymous

it WAS Taylor! gosh your so good OMG!!

Comment by Anonymous

Taylor Swift can do that.

Posted 2015-05-26T07:48:02+02:00
Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres

Comment by Anonymous

For his next trick he made the welfare money disappear.

Comment by Anonymous

Why did the Hispanic magician cross the road? Because it was the border.

Comment by Anonymous

V Ok just for you. Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres

Posted 2015-05-26T07:45:39+02:00
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

1998 wants their post back.

Comment by Anonymous

Hoes don't know math!

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