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Posted
2013-05-24T00:16:00+02:00
If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
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Posted
2013-05-24T00:04:24+02:00
If I'm ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza delivery.
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Posted
2013-05-24T00:03:39+02:00
Having nachos without cheese is like sex without an orgasm.
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Posted
2013-05-24T00:00:11+02:00
I'm not saying you're a slut, I'm just surprised Facebook hasn't made your vagina a check in place yet.
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Posted
2013-05-23T23:57:46+02:00
Either my Spidey senses are tingling or my butt fell asleep again.
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Posted
2013-05-23T23:41:09+02:00
You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
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Posted
2013-05-23T23:39:56+02:00
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn't recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
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Posted
2013-05-23T23:23:16+02:00
My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
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Posted
2013-05-23T23:07:05+02:00
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
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Posted
2013-05-23T23:00:08+02:00
My stomach is making noises like Ke$ha is recording her next track in there.
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Posted
2013-05-23T22:53:17+02:00
I got my freak on and now I don't know how to turn it off.
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Posted
2013-05-23T20:29:48+02:00
I have 3 moods:
1. skips every song on my ipod 2. lets the music play without interruption 3.plays the same song on repeat for days
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Posted
2013-05-23T20:28:43+02:00
It's refreshing that after years of scraping by with just millions of dollars, struggling musicians like Paris Hilton can get record deals.
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I sometimes have to change the words i use in my statuses due to my lack of vocabu...vocbula...words and spelling abilit..abli...skills!
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Posted
2013-05-23T13:33:15+02:00
I only woke up because I smelled bacon. There was NO bacon. Guess Biggie was right, it was all a dream.
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Posted
2013-05-23T03:56:39+02:00
I didn't want to go to work today. I just want to sit in a bathtub full of warm mac n cheese, thats my happy place.
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Posted
2013-05-22T20:46:09+02:00
Sleeping TOO well lately? Fixable! Get 1000% terrified in no time! Just click Gmail's audio CAPTCHA (audio symbol) http://bit.ly/ScaK8
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Posted
2013-05-22T20:41:12+02:00
I'm not saying I'm poor, but I have my credit card Large Purchase Alert set at $5.
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Posted
2013-05-22T19:47:03+02:00
Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
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Posted
2013-05-22T18:48:12+02:00
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer just read some of your Tumblr's and she wants her billion dollars back.
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WTF stop letting re-posts from a month ago on here!! Bastards