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Posted 2014-07-29T03:08:47+02:00
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?

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Posted 2014-07-29T03:07:08+02:00
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.

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Posted 2014-07-29T02:34:09+02:00
I'm only gunna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.

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Comment by Anonymous

Im sure you'll be drinking that sixer for several hours too...

Posted 2014-07-29T02:33:29+02:00
McMuffin isn't just a sandwich to me, its an emotion

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Comment by Anonymous

It sure isn't food.

Posted 2014-07-29T02:30:40+02:00
WARNING: Objects in relationships appear happier than they are.

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Posted 2014-07-29T02:23:40+02:00
If you watch Beauty and the Beast backwards its about how falling in love will turn you into a monster.

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Posted 2014-07-29T02:23:17+02:00
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what's going on and there's a lot of wine drinking.

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Comment by Anonymous

And maybe you can die in the next episode.

Posted 2014-07-29T02:15:35+02:00
Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

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Posted 2014-07-29T02:09:32+02:00
Women are like BLAH BLAH BLAH and men are all like BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS! And eating food happens and that's relationships.

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Posted 2014-07-29T01:50:00+02:00
This may be the hardest anyone has ever fought to not get two billion dollars

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Posted 2014-07-28T21:49:42+02:00
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

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Posted 2014-07-28T21:47:17+02:00
"You know what I think they should do in Gaza?" tweeted the man half a world away from the safety and comfort of his reclining chair.

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Comment by Anonymous

You think he used proper grammar when he posted his tweet or do you think he's a fuckin' retard like you?

Posted 2014-07-28T21:46:47+02:00
I Don't Wanna: The Beginner's Guide to Mondays

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Comment by Anonymous

Page Two: "Strangle self with dad's old necktie."

Posted 2014-07-28T21:45:13+02:00
When my grandchildren ask what I did to save the world, I'll be like, "I saved a b every time I spelled babe as bae, you ungrateful fuck."

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Comment by Anonymous

You'd have to find someone to fuck you before you can have grandchildren... then there's the whole finding someone to fuck your stupid child/children too... good luck, dumb ass.

Posted 2014-07-28T21:40:49+02:00
Hell is an enormous mall with no stores and infinite kiosks.

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Comment by Anonymous

Hell is Rosie O'Donnell's cunt.

Posted 2014-07-28T21:40:12+02:00
Get a load of this jerkoff driving slower in the rain. Way to substantially reduce the risk of hydroplaning, you fucking idiot!

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Comment by Anonymous

Your mom got a load of my jerkoff...

Posted 2014-07-28T21:36:13+02:00
Left a box of parrots next to the police station and now they're all under arrest for impersonating officers. My work here is done.

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Comment by Anonymous

Yeah right, you shoved them in your ass, faggot.

Posted 2014-07-28T21:35:55+02:00
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.

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Comment by Anonymous

Answer: Be fat and stupid.

Posted 2014-07-28T01:35:48+02:00
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

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Comment by Anonymous

Since when do bank statements show you blowing your dog?

Posted 2014-07-28T01:05:33+02:00
Forget about my browser history and iPod playlists. When I die, please don't let anyone see what Netflix is suggesting I watch next.

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Comment by Anonymous

You don't have any friends, so there is no need to worry about this anyway.


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