Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Kinda bullshit that those 4 guys got to be president just because their heads were on Mt. Rushmore
Every morning when I wake up is the most tired I've ever been in my life.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."
Apparently somebody in Detroit gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
You call the shots. I'll drink them.
I don't care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
If you don't share your snacks with me during the movie cause I ate mine during the previews, we can't be friends.
Dear rich people,
If you don't live in a giant bouncy castle, you're wasting your money.
I'd care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Just replaced air freshener in bathroom at my girlfriend's parent's house with air horn..now we wait.
No matter how smart you think you are, there's always gonna be a little British kid who sounds way smarter than you when they speak.
I was so pissed at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
Ladies, it's not fair to hide your crazy behind a great pair of boobs. It's impossible for men to see past them.
The only people who don't click "Skip" on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
If you're an adult, please don't kiss your parent on the lips, you're creeping everyone out.
Don't tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the shit out of you.
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