Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Why be a star when you could be a galaxy.
I'm having the opposite of sex with the opposite sex.
I don't just flirt with disaster.
I give it an orgasm.
A thread of hope can hold the weight of the world.
Don't think twice when you only live once.
She said "I have long hair" but all I heard was "blowjob steering wheel".
The heart is a terrible GPS.
My favorite beer is the next one.
People in your life may appear closer than they are.
If you're not eating pussy with the enthusiasm that Pooh Bear has when he face fucks a jar of honey, give it up
Considering we've produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I'm more surprised other countries haven't built a wall around the U.S.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Stalker level: I'm stealing your wifi to post this.
Inventing a fun metal detector. Instead of buzzing, it's going to say "dude, that's so metal."
I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.
If I was ever on Family Feud, I'd guess "your butthole" just so I could hear the host yell "SHOW ME YOUR BUTTHOLE!"
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