Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
You can learn to hate, and you can learn to spell. But apparently it's one or the other.
Well son, I yelled "Damn shawty" as your mother walked by on the street and we've been together ever since
I like my women how I like my coffee,
between my legs as I drive.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Nickelback so I quickly have to close it.
Instagram me like one of your French toasts.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My anaconda has a structured settlement but it needs cash now.
Peyton Manning always looks like someone is explaining the internet to him.
Probably the hardest part about wearing a deep v-neck shirt is having to constantly look down to make sure you're not having sex.
I really don't care who wins the game of thrones as long as everybody had fun out there.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Been at this all-you-can-eat buffet since 6 p.m. last night. I'm still not full. They've called the cops. I'll fucking eat them too.
Skrillex! It's your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you've been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I've found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Do the world a favor: seek medical attention to have whatever has burrowed up your ass safely removed. Also, recycle.
Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?
I probably shouldn't have the word "amazeballs" on my resume, but I don't know a better word to describe my ping-pong prowess.
I don't mean to big-talk, but I have a very big vocabulary. Sooo big. And when I say big, I mean lots and lots of words. Big fucking words.
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